The Other Tyler

Fork and Screen at Downtown Disney

2011-05-30T00:44:00.003-04:00

Dinner and a movie - it's the quintessential date night. It was probably your first date, your most common date, and possibly your last date (if horror movies ever come true and zombies take the theaters first). If you're still at the point where you both have a say in your relationship (ship = sailed for yours truly) then one of you may pick the restaurant while the other picks the movie. Either way, dinner and a movie were two separate transactions.

Leave it to Disney to find a way to combine the two and charge you more for it.

Fork and Screen is a new feature at select AMC theaters that allows you to do dinner and a movie all at once. AMC closed off approximately 1/3 of the formerly normal theaters to convert then into Fork and Screen venues. At Downtown Disney, there are a handful of theaters and showtimes on the Fork and Screen side each day. Tickets are an additional $2, and each ticket reserves a particular seat in the theater.

The first thing I noticed when walking into our theater was the spaciousness. There were only ten rows of ten seats each (arranged 4 seats, aisle, 4 seats, aisle, 2 seats). The seats were much bigger and nicer than normal seats, with plush leather armrests and plenty of legroom. It was not unlike first class is to coach on an airline. In front of each row was a bartop, which easily had enough room to story a normal portion of food. The bartop was slightly far away from the chair (probably for Disney's more, you know, normal guests.) but it wasn't a huge issue. Each side of the bartop has a call button (again, like an airplane) that alerts your server that you need something. Seating starts a full half-hour before the movie time (which then starts previews, etc.) so at a normal pace people could have finished their entire meal before the feature even begins.

At first glance, the menu looks like a generic chain boiled down to a few pages: appetizers, Wraps, Salads, Burgers, Sandwiches, etc. The prices are actually fairly reasonable for Disney - Katie chose some sort of chicken sandwich with a side salad and I went with a BLT grille and tomato soup with fries. We'd dug up two free dessert coupons, so we used those on two mini cupcakes and angel food cake.

Our server, who was clearly a converted movie theater person, was strugg-a-ling. It would seem they would want actual servers to do the serving in such a place, but alas it didn't happen for us. Even getting waters to the table was quite the process. There is no infrastructure within the theaters to refill drinks or get simple condiments - everything was fulfilled in a central kitchen that all the Fork and Screen venues share and brought into the individual theater. It was a good 10 minutes between sitting down and ordering a few waters before they actually arrived to us.

My main course, the BLT grille and tomato soup with fries, had all the culinary markings of a prison cafeteria trainee program. As I ate it, I wondered what the recipe from the executive chef would look like when teaching to new cooks:

BLT Grille

Ingredients:

4 slices white Wonderbread

2 Kraft singles - yellow american

4 pieces of bacon

1 iceberg lettuce leaf (2 if small)

1 tomato slice

Directions:

Smash 2 wonderbread pieces together to make one superthick slice of Wonderbread. Repeat for other 2 slices.

Put one Kraft single on top side of each superthick Wonderbread slice. Microwave 30 seconds.

Remove, place bacon in criss-cross pattern on slightly melted cheese. Repeat for other slice.

Place tomato slice and lettuce piece on one side of bacon cheese bread. Place other slice of bacon cheese bread on first, then smash together.

Pair with soggy fries and tomato soup that tastes like equal parts Campbell's tomato soup, three bean chili from Taco Bell, and despair.

I've ordered food at restaurants and later regretted it, but never has regret set in so immediately as that first spoonful of "tomato soup". It wasn't soup so much as Satan's toothpaste - thick, red, gunky, splotchy. Not souplike or even edible, for that matter. The sandwich was okay, but nothing I couldn't have made in my house 4x as good for 1/4 the price.

Katie's sandwich was fairly good, but her side salad was so small that it left us both hungry afterwards. Also, the only two dressings they had for the salad were ranch and blue cheese (WHAT ARE YOU, 4?). We asked for lemon wedges for the salad, which finally made it to the table about 20 minutes later.

After such a lackluster entree, we were excited about dessert. I would've loved to dive right into the cupcakes, if not for them being almost frozen solid when they got to us. I understand some difficulties with making desserts onsite, but can you at LEAST pull them out a few minutes early to thaw some? Having to defrost our own dessert was kind of a drag, and definitely not the best end to the meal. Thankfully, while I was trying to get my delicious red velvet cupcake into edible form, our first water refill of the night came just shy of 10 minutes after pushing our call button.

The concept of dinner during a movie is interesting, but it seems a little disjointed in this setting. Even at a restaurant, I have the ability to get up, move around, use the restroom, and generally enjoy the meal (as well as the food). Here, there wasn't really a meal at all so much as food during a movie. The normal actions associated with a meal - the setting, conversation, real service from a server - can't happen here. It ends up feeling like a novel one-time trip rather than anything that would fight for a weekly dinner spot.

If anything, I think there could be an opportunity for theaters to capitalize on the increased size, comfort, and legroom on the seats themselves. A $3 premium might very well be able to lure older moviegoers who would rather stay home than be cramped in with a group of young whippersnappers.

Concept - 8 out of 10. Dinner during a movie could work with a lot of tweaks. Setup was good, execution not so much.
Movie - 1o out of 10. No bad seats, very comfortable, plenty of legroom and sound was good. It was everything I'd want to have in a regular theater (but can't because movie companies like making money. Bastards)
Food - 4 out of 10. Based on what we got alone, this might be generous. A BLT that I would've sent back had Katie made it, except I know she never would've.
Service - 2 out of 10. The only thing keeping our service from a 1 was, well, I felt bad for our server as she clearly was in over her head. Got a few things in our order wrong and we waited forever for very simple things.
Overall - 5 out of 10. If the point of choosing this theater over normal ones is the food, and the food quality and service aren't that good, then what's the point?

If you find yourself stuck at Downtown Disney with nothing to do, go see a normal movie at AMC - they completely redid the eating area and the food is excellent by normal cinema standards. If you find yourself out of options with only the Fork and Screen as an option, take your seat and order a few pitchers of beer. Until the kinks are worked out of the food, I'd stick to the "screen" portion of "Fork and Screen".

The Last Childress Draft and Why I'm OK with the Ponder Pick

2011-04-29T10:30:00.004-04:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you got a pretty good sense as to how I felt in the immediate aftermath of the Vikings selection last night.

"No Words."

"#Vomit"

"Meanwhile, Detroit is about to have Suh and Fairley up the middle. Good f***ing luck."

"The Vikings took Christian Ponder and left Nick Fairley. I, uh, yeah. Good night everyone."

As someone who tends to avoid snap reactions in every other aspect of my life, I'm always a bit embarrassed when I gaze upon my Twitter feed after some sporting event. I was excited about the prospects of the draft last night. For the first time in a number of years, the Vikings were committed to taking a quarterback in round one. Sure, they were in a precarious position at 12, but I was assured by a number of draft experts that either Gabbert or Locker would be sitting there waiting for a purple and gold jersey last night. It was not meant to be.

Leave it to the Redskins, the team of my home, the team that so many of my friends support, the team that constantly finds new and innovative ways to screw it up for everyone to make the trade. After the Locker's selection, the thought of having Gabbert still on the board was too much to bear. "They'll do it," I told my Dad. They'll trade up, package a few picks, and make sure they take a guy who some said was the best QB in the class. Gabbert, whose flowing locks would fit in perfectly next to Jared Allen, could be that franchise QB for years to come. They didn't trade into #9, and when I heard the Jags had traded into #10 I knew my plan was shot. The writing was on the wall for David Garrard in Jacksonville and they wouldn't have received value for the pick taking anyone but Gabbert there.

So now what do the Vikings do at 12?

Sure they've got holes on defense. Amakamura (perpetual sp?) or Nick Fairley both would have been excellent picks. They may have tried to trade down 8 or 9 picks and get an extra choice. But the Vikings know that Joe Webb isn't the answer at quarterback. Rhett Bomar (who apparently is still in the NFL) is officially number two on the Vikings QB depth chart. There MAY have been guys on the free agent list (if, you know, free agency happens) who could have played QB, but the Vikings needed someone.

Ponder scored in the high 30s on his Wonderlic, so at least by football standards he's a smart guy. He's got a good arm, is accurate with the ball, and his decision making has mostly been good. The Vikings' new West Coast system needs a guy who has all three qualities. He had a great junior year, and was limited his senior year by playing through injury. He's played a lot of football at a program that values it. Also, as a Hokie, I was very happy to see he wasn't playing in last year's ACC Championship game, as our defense had been susceptible to accurate pocket passers but shut down the less-experienced EJ Manuel.

If the Vikings had taken Fairley at 12, their defense would have been vastly improved (except that they still have holes in the secondary and questions at linebacker). You can have 11 franchise defenders and still go 6-10 without a real quarterback. If the Vikings hadn't taken a QB here, who knows what free agency or trades would have brought. Without any QB, the price of Kevin Kolb might go up significantly. Instead of "wasting" the 12th pick on Ponder, they Vikings may have given up a 1 and 3 next year for Kolb. Who's to say he'd pan out any better?

The bottom line: the Vikings had a need at quarterback and they filled it. They got a smart guy who isn't going to do dumb things with the football. They got a guy who can hand off to Peterson, can read defenses, and is an accurate passer. The whole "value pick" and "reach" nonsense is just that. The point of the draft is to fill needs and improve your team. If anyone can honestly tell me the Vikings aren't better off with Ponder at QB and the Williams Wall on defense than with Joe Webb at QB and Williamses + Fairley on defense, then I'd love to hear it.

The moral of this whole story is to not use bandaids where you need stitches. Ever since Daunte Culpepper went down, the Vikings have been without any real solution at quarterback. He who shall not be named (whose story I foretold here) was a stopgap measure - a mercenary who gave us one shot at a title run. There were franchise type quarterbacks available in some years, notably in 2009 when the Vikings were rumored to package picks for shots at Mark Sanchez and then Josh Freeman. Brad Childress's philosophy was that any idiot quarterback could run his system. A system so complicated that Brett Favre was still calling makeshift plays in his second year within it. For the dumb draft decisions the Childress regime got right - Peterson and Harvin chief among them - not moving for a quarterback along the way was short-sighted.

I'm hopeful that Ponder's selection, regardless of his success, will be the final nail in Childress's tenure with the Vikings.

Are you there, God? It's me, Tyler.

2010-08-18T19:31:00.000-04:00

"Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid attention at church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm...afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it! I just want it back. Please? Oh, I hope you can hear this."- Bart Simpson from "Bart Sells His Soul"

$5. That's all it took for Bart to write "Bart Simpson's soul" on a piece of paper and give it to Milhouse. $5 might be a lot of money in Springfield, but was it really worth it? Suddenly Bart became a shell of his former self – unable to laugh, play, or enjoy the things that he always had. He quickly realizes he's made a mistake. He even has a nightmare that every child in Springfield has a soul, and they all make fun of him because he's the only kid without one. Bart begs Milhouse to sell him his soul back, but each time Milhouse raises the price. The moral of the story? If you sell your soul for short-term gain, you usually end up without the gain or your soul, and the person holding your soul can make your life miserable.

To anyone who follows the Minnesota Vikings, this plot should seem awfully familiar.

For the second consecutive summer, the Vikings were held hostage by a quarterback who was not their own. It's one thing when your dad gets drunk at your wedding and is a tad embarrassing. It's another thing entirely when that's your 2nd cousin who you've hated your whole life. The Packers felt Brett Favre was one of them, so putting up with the constant retirement talk and waffling was something they had to live with. You can't kick your dad out of your wedding, no matter how many MGDs he's had. Eventually, even the Packers had enough and were done with the drama. The Vikings, however, can't seem to get enough. I mean, sure their 2nd cousin they've hated their whole life is dancing on the table and everyone is laughing – he's a funny guy. But in a few years, won't you be pissed that he got his drunk ass into every wedding photo? Wouldn't it be better just to cut your losses, maybe have a less exciting reception, but look back and know it was pure and good?

When I saw Vikings fans lining the streets, anxiously awaiting Brett's convoy to drive by, a little part of me died inside. This is Brett Favre, right? Brett Favre is the one athlete that I actually HATED growing up. The way he played, the way he talked, the way he flung the ball around just irked me. I hated how he always looked like he was about to cry after a loss. You'd think a guy with Wrangler commercials would be a little tougher. I hated how the commentators fawned over him. I can't stand Joe Buck and/or John Madden for this reason. I hated his running around like an idiot after a touchdown. What I wouldn't give for John Randle to have knocked him the F out during one of his kid-like celebrations.

My hatred for Brett Favre even extended into the video game arena. My goal every time I played the Packers in Franchise mode was "HURT BRETT FAVRE". I found creative ways to do this, sometimes taking multiple roughing the passer penalties in the course of my conquest. The one time I actually succeeded was during a preseason game. Normally I would sim through the preseason and start with week one, but the prospects of hurting Favre were too much. A perfectly timed swim move from Erasmus James beat a block and he went down in a heap. When I went to the Packers injury report and saw the magic words "Broken Leg", I smiled ear to ear. Only when I scrolled over and saw he was "Out for Season" did it really make my year. The fact that I can remember this story, probably 3 or 4 years after it happened, only goes to show how much I disliked Brett Favre.

In 2005, immediately after I had ACL reconstruction, the Vikings played the Packers in the playoffs. I was as sore, depressed, and felt as helpless as at any point in my life. To go from running everyday and being active to needing someone's help to get out of a chair is a miserable feeling. Brett had torched us in two games that year – 7 or 8 TDs in two impressive victories. But that day, the Vikings had his number. He threw 4 picks, Daunte Culpepper threw 4 TDs and the Vikings rolled out of Lambeau with a total victory. Nothing could have cheered me up the way that game did. Not only was it a huge Vikings win, but Favre looked humiliated, decimated, confused and befuddled by a defense he'd ripped to shreds twice before. It was one of the highlights of my Viking fan career in the 2000's.Fast forward to yesterday.

I turn on ESPN and see Brett Favre's jet landing in Minnesota. He comes down the ramp, gets into a car, and drives down a road lined with hundreds, if not thousands, of Vikings fans. All of them had jerseys or shirts, some had flags, others had signs. My immediate thought was "Why is the President in Brett Favre's motorcade?" As it was, these turncoats, these sheep that call themselves Vikings fans, were cheering Favre's return. Yes, the same guy who had gutted the Vikings for many years. The guy who couldn't have gotten a table in a Minneapolis restaurant, or a lane at a St. Paul bowling alley, or even a place to pray at a Catholic church in Duluth a few years before was being cheered on as the Savior of football in Minnesota.

Nevermind that his waffling had put the entire organization in limbo, or that many of his reps with the first team offense were taken by Sage Rosenfels, or that ticket prices would most likely inch up due to his multi-million dollar raise. Disregard the fact that Brad Childress looked like a scorned ex begging for another chance, or that the locker room divisions would be back for another year, or that the guy who was drafted to eventually be the starter (Tavaris Jackson) will be holding a clipboard. And let's completely forget that it was Brett Favre's Achilles heel, his undying hubris, that cost the Vikings a shot at the Super Bowl. All was forgotten when three Vikings, none of which were drafted by the Vikings, convinced him to come back to Minnesota and give the team another shot.

A part of me understands why the players would want Favre back. Tavaris Jackson, railroaded in three consecutive years by the team, has never had the opportunity to grow as a starter. Sage Rosenfels was brought in mostly as insurance for the young Jackson and the old Favre. For right now, this year, Favre probably gives the team the best chance to win. If there's anything that separates the fan's outlook from the player's, it's that the fan will endure a few mediocre seasons to have a shot at a championship. For players, there is no next year. The fact that season incentives are built into contracts doesn't hurt - most guys on the team, including Jackson and Rosenfels, probably received some sort of bonus for making it as far as they did on Favre's aging back.

I, however, received no such bonus check. It was great winning the division and stomping the Cowboys in the playoffs. But it still seemed a bit alien, almost like I was pulling for a team that didn't belong to me. They were in the same uniforms, playing on that same ugly turf, but it didn't feel right. I jumped up and down when Adrian Peterson was on the board at 7. I was ecstatic when Percy Harvin inexplicably slipped to the Vikings a year ago. Even when cast-off Jared Allen signed, a part of me felt like he was coming to the place he belonged. But then there was #4. That guy, with his stupid habit of buckling and unbuckling his chinstrap before every play, was now our leader. The guy I'd tried so hard to hurt in every video game, was our guy. Somehow, my team had become "Brett's Team". Any Vikings fans worth their weight would realize that Brett Favre is no more a Viking than Tom Brady is a Jet.

The reality is that the Vikings turned Favre into the ultimate mercenary. They decided to mortgage not only $35 million but the quarterbacking future of the organization for one or two shots at a Super Bowl. The only reward that could possibly make the gamble worth it is a Super Bowl ring. Can Favre get the team there? Possibly. But it was more likely last year than it will be this year as each player, Favre included, is a step slower and a year older. His ankle appears to be healed, but ankles have a funny way of degrading when being beaten on artificial turf with 300 pounders diving for them. The Vikings may have some more ways to get Favre rest as they did last year, often bringing in Jackson at the first sign of a sure victory. But the strategy against the Vikings will be the same as it was last year: shut down the running game, bring pressure, and force Brett Favre to move on that shaky ankle. Again, it's a strategy that's more likely to shut down the offense in 2010 than it was in 2009.

Bart Simpson eventually got his soul back. At the end of the episode, all is well again in his world as the dogs will play with him and he can laugh again. I don't remember if he ever did anything with his $5, but nothing was worth selling his soul to someone who shouldn't have it. The only fair return on the sale price of the Vikings' soul will be a ring. The thought of purple and gold confetti and a Vikings Super Bowl is something I still can't quite conjure. But after all that, even with a Championship, will it be the Vikings who won the Super Bowl or Brett Favre? The only thought more unthinkable than a purple clad Adrian Peterson holding the trophy is that of Brett Favre handing it to him - with that goofy look on his face and a tear in his eye.

The Double Down

2010-06-14T14:39:00.002-04:00

I walked into my first class at Harvard, Journalism S-50, and was greeted by a huge sign in the front of the room: “Journalism is 95% living and 5% writing.” Of the many, many things I learned during my time there, only this sentence has stayed on my idea wall since I first put it up. **

Only with the heart of a journalist could I face my next self-subscribed assignment. Some in my class were embedded with tank battalions in Afghanistan, others exposing corporate abuse and scandals endangering the public. It was finally time I held up my end of the bargain and do some real journalism. So with my integrity on the line, my career in the balance, and my stomach crying out with the conviction of Michael Duncan Clarke in The Green Mile, I walked up to the counter and said four words I could never imagine coming out of my mouth:

“One Double Down, Please.”

Sure, I had seen all of the advertisements KFC ran upon the “sandwich’s” release. The gorgeous, buff people twirling in front of a green screen with “sandwich” in hand as if they were starring in a fast food based dating site commercial. I also watched the news, where they detailed just how many calories were in each mouth-watering paper wrapped “sandwich” and why no living organism should even come within hectares of one. A few of my brave friends tried it, with reviews ranging from “BEST THING EVAR!” to “Went through me like a Hanzo sword.” But now that the hoopla (hoopla?) has died down and the monotony of everyday fast-food life has returned, I figured I owed it to myself and the world to give it a shot.

The Scene: KFC on State Road 50, approximately 1:30 in the afternoon

The Preparation: Only a Lean Cuisine for breakfast, light dinner the night before, lots of water this morning pre-meal. Very eager for the evaluation to begin

The Process: I parked my car, walked inside, and realized that I haven’t been inside a KFC in at least 15 years. Many disturbing things afoot (more on this later). Ordered from a lovely girl named Brittany or Bridgette or Brianna or something to that effect. 1 “sandwich”, grilled, and a soda. $7.01 with tax. Got my Diet Pepsi, received my “sandwich”, took a seat.

The Presentation: I was shocked by how small it actually was (Yeah, TWSS, I know). It’s wrapped in paper, then placed in a small box. Upon opening and unwrapping, I found two slices of grilled chicken, with some sort of spicy mayonnaise type of sauce on the insides of each, two pieces of cheese, and enough bacon for one hummingbird and possibly his friend, Kate Moss. The commercials and paper advertisements make this look like a bacon-fest. I even left my tray on the table to go BACK OUTSIDE and look at the picture. For a moment I considered taking Brittany outside and comparing with her. I decided against this.

The Taste: Bland, un-exciting, so tamed to the point of being boring. The cheese was tasteless, the chicken wasn’t bad but was over-seasoned and the bacon, while delicious, was almost non-existent. After my first bite I remembered that I needed to take out the recycling when I got home from work. I can safely say that the truly ground-breaking meals of my life were never interrupted by such mundane thoughts. The best part of the meal was the fountain Diet Pepsi, which for some reason I enjoy much more than the same product in bottles or cans.

The Aftermath: One would think that such a giant looking contraption would take close to an hour to fully savor every flavor of bacon, spicy chicken, and mystery sauce. Honestly it took a bit over five minutes from unwrapping until I was headed back for the car. Approximately ten minutes later, my stomach began making noises that were clearly audible. With my windows down. Going 40. With Bon Jovi on the radio. An hour out, and I’m starting to suffer from what I would call “hangover-like symptoms” including dry mouth, stomach pain, nausea, and inability to care about anything.

The Verdict: I don’t even believe an Everclear Colada kinda night could inebriate me enough to eat this again.

Aside about KFC: If you’ve never been inside a redone KFC, I highly recommend you check it out. The first option I had for lunch was a buffet. YEAH, A KFC BUFFET. Apparently it’s all the chicken you can eat plus all the sides you can stomach for like 6 bucks. Looking up and down the menu, I found at least five meals exponentially more egregious than the grilled double down I chowed on. When a handheld combo of two chicken pieces, cheese and bacon is one of the healthier options, bad things are coming to you.

** I never actually went to Harvard, or took any journalism classes, or have an idea wall. Work with me, people.

My last post ever on the NCAA Tournament Selection Process

2010-03-15T10:43:00.002-04:00

There was a moment yesterday, “One Shining Moment” if you will, where I actually said out loud that I wouldn’t watch the tournament this year. After a thoroughly pleasant day with my girlfriend and my sister (two separate people, for you Mountaineer fans) I listened to the last of the selection show on the radio on my way home from Disney. With the revealing of every #9, #10, #11, and #12 seed, the guys from ESPN radio kept commenting that they thought my Hokies would be the choice. I listened to eight such predictions in the last two regions, and verily none came to fruition. Another March spent watching the madness instead of participating. Another March watching some other Cinderella get fitted for the shoe. Another March spent toiling on Wednesday nights in the NIT. (By the way, we even get screwed in the NIT bracket. UCONN in round two? Really?)

The question is this – what is the committee really tasked to do? Are they supposed to select the 34 “most deserving” teams? Or are they supposed to select the 34 “best” teams?

To me, selecting the “most deserving” teams is where the NCAA selection process gets a little dicey. The weight of so many selection criteria seem to change from year to year. This year, non-conference strength of schedule seemed the biggest factor, as stated by this year’s chairman. Undoubtedly, this was what kept my beloved Hokies out of the Dance. Some years, it’s all about conference play, or conference tournament performance, or late season performance. Some committees essentially look only at RPI, others seemingly look only at records. Neutral court performance, home and away records, the average bra size of the coaches’ wives – there are a number of criteria used each March to select 34 at-large teams. Most of these criteria fall under the “most deserving” category (especially the bra size one, and even more so if these women sit directly behind the bench).

Selecting the 34 “best” teams is a lot more subjective. It takes guts, intuition, a spine, and actually watching the teams play. Many of the criteria above are hurdles for this test. If you didn’t win at least half of your conference games, don’t bother (Georgia Tech). If you dozed off early and lost a few really bad games in the beginning, good luck getting to New York (Not quite Florida, but you can’t lose to South Alabama). If you started off 20-0 and then went 5-9 down the stretch with a first round olé in your conference tournament, sayonara sucka. After that, it’s about determining who would actually stand a better chance in the tournament. Head-to-head and conference records offer the easiest comparison in this regard, especially when comparing two teams from the same league. Wake Forest and Georgia Tech clearly weren’t “better” than Virginia Tech – Tech beat both late in the season and finished with a better conference mark. But they might have been “more deserving” than Tech when considering non-conference strength of schedule, RPI, and the like.

So which way should it be? Should we see the “most deserving” teams or the “best” ones? This is, of course, entirely a matter of personal preference. If you look at the tournament as a culmination of all the events of the regular season, then you probably feel that a long view be taken and the most deserving team get in. If you look at the tournament as a season all its own, almost as a season replacement, then you’d want the best teams competing. There’s usually a fair amount of overlap between the criteria as well. A team like Maryland who played a tough non-conference schedule and then performed very well in-conference would be a lock under any criteria. But every year most of the bubble teams seem to fall into one of these camps. In recent years, and especially this year, it looks like the committee is rewarding teams for their season long achievements instead of picking the 34 “best”
teams. Again, there may be reasons for this, but to each his/her own.

I can’t help but think, though, that most of the teams worth quarreling over stand little to no chance once the tournament starts. Sure a miracle run will happen once in a while, like it did with George Mason a few years ago, but by and large the teams that do make it in are one or two and done. Am I peeved that VT didn’t make it in the tournament? Sure. But I don’t think any Hokie fan truly thinks, in their heart of turkey hearts, that we were a threat to cut down any nets. Florida, Minnesota, Mississippi State, Illinois – all teams that were solidly on the bubble, will likely be either in the NIT or at home by the end of the weekend. The gulf in class (for any soccer fans) reading this between a #1 seed and a #10 seed is enormous. Put Kansas and Georgia Tech on a neutral court, and I’ll take the Jayhawks 11 times out of 10. While getting in the tournament is great, the real issue is determining who the best team is.

Hmm, I’ve heard this line before but I can’t remember where. Oh yeah, the BCS.

You say you want a football playoff? Eight teams? Fine. Here’s the difference between the current basketball playoff and a theoretical football playoff – a team that gets left out of the NCAAs has very little chance of winning the championship, a team that gets left out of the Bowl Championship SERIES could get hot and beat everyone ahead of them. In an eight team playoff, last year’s football bubble could have consisted of a number of teams: Oregon, Ohio State, Georgia Tech, Iowa, LSU, Penn State, and (gulp) Virginia Tech. The top of the football world looked dominant last year, with Alabama the clear class of the country. But could you definitively say that none of those bubble teams could have won an 8 team playoff? Who would have more right to be upset about their omission from the tournament – the VT basketball team or the Hokie football team? For all the griping about the basketball selections, football selections would be ten times worse. If you want a football playoff, you better think about this part too.

In the end, I’ll be filling out my brackets this week just like most of you will. And come the weekend, I’ll be watching five games at once (it’s like the Olympics, only interesting!) and rooting for buzzer beaters and upsets. All the pain and disgust of Selection Sunday will slowly fade away as the best tournament in American sports takes over. But ask me what I think about a football playoff in December, when postseason chatter rises to a chorus, and I’ll direct you back here.

The Twins should give Joe Mauer the Derek Jeter treatment

2009-11-23T13:13:00.000-05:00

The AL Most Valuable Player will be announced today, and the only question that remains is whether anyone other than Joe Mauer will get a single first place vote. At 26, there is already discussion in serious baseball communities that Mauer has "best catcher of all-time" skills. There can be no doubt that he's the best catcher in the game now, and you'd be hard-pressed to find a better catcher in the last 15-20 years. Paul Molitor, a first ballot hall-of-famer who hit .306 over his career, said Mauer has the best swing he's ever seen. He's flirted with .400 a few times. A catcher had never won the batting title before 2006, when Mauer won his first. He's now won three batting titles in four years. He's won two consecutive gold gloves. He's got looks (modeled for Perry Ellis a few years ago), he's got charm (and that Minnesota accent), and above all he's got game (see above).

He's also a free agent after next season.

Anyone who has followed the Twins knows how this story ends.

For years the late Carl Pohlad had the Twin Cities on pins and needles as he threatened to sell, move, or even eliminate the team. He was, without a doubt, one of the more crotchety owners in all of US professional sports. He was never satisfied, always tightening the pursestrings, always looking for a way to capitalize on his investment in the team. The most notable manifestation of this is the Johan Santana trade. He was a dominant pitcher in years dominated by hitters. He was a Twins guy - he made his major league debut with the team, and the structure of the organization propelled him to stardom. When talks of Target Field started, there were many who felt that it would be Santana pitching to Mauer on opening day. That the two franchise linchpins would lead the team into a new stadium and another World Series trophy. But after 2007, the Twins faced the reality that keeping Santana and fielding a capable team behind him would be prohibitively expensive for such a small market team. So the team traded him to the Mets, for Carlos Gomez and a bunch of guys named Joe, and it appeared that the best Twin of the era had come and gone. Sure Santana would have commanded mega bucks upon being a free agent, but he liked Minnesota and even said he'd go so far as to take a "hometown" discount. Even so, he shortly found himself in another uniform, replaced by players without the clout or skills to demand such a ransom.

The loss of Santana was a body blow to Twins fans, something that left a dull ache but that could have easily been predicted. The loss of Mauer would be a full-on knockout - like spending two rounds in the ring with Manny Pacquiao with both hands tied behind your back. It would be something that would cause some Twins fans to give up for good.

Did I mention Joe Mauer's a free agent after next season?

If the Twins are smart, Joe Mauer will be sipping champagne (or probably some sort of monster EAS shake in his case) by a deluxe pool somewhere in the Caribbean during that free agent period. His phone will be far away, his agent without a care, as the contract hustle of the off-season passes them by. If the Twins are smart, they'll be looking to add around Mauer and Morneau in the lineup that off-season, instead of worrying about how they'll compete with the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Cubs, and the host of other teams bargaining for Mauer's services. If they're smart, Joe Mauer will catch the first ever game in Target Field against the Red Sox in the first year of a long, lucrative contract that will keep him in Minnesota until well into his thirties.

"It's gonna take money, a whole lot of spending money, it's gonna take plenty of money, to do it right child."
- George Harrison, "Got My Mind Set On You"

How much spending money? Well, working in real estate and looking for houses, I know that comparable residential properties are the best indicator of potential value. Looking at the biggest contracts signed in recent years, it's obvious some of those are vastly above the actual value of the signed player (see also Andruw Jones, Barry Zito, Carlos Zambrano, Torii Hunter). The issue with most of the biggest recent contracts is that they were all bargained for on the open market. If the Twins lock him up before he hits free agency, which they would be wise to do, then they wouldn't be vastly overpaying for his services just to keep him from other teams. It's also important to note that most of the guys who signed those big contracts, including the ones I named, are inferior players to Joe Mauer. When you look at a guy who has won three batting titles in four years, two gold gloves, and is the face of the franchise, there really aren't many comparables. In fact, I think there's only one guy who comes anywhere close: Derek Jeter.

In 2001, Jeter, at age 26 and at the top of his game (sound familiar?), signed a contract that effectively ensured he would be a Yankee for life - 10 years and 189 million dollars. The Twins have never shelled out that kind of cash for anyone. The closest they've gotten to a contract like that is the one Kevin Garnett signed across town with the Timberwolves. But as far as I can tell, that's the market for a guy with the total package of Joe Mauer. After all, Target Field is publicly funded, so the least the Pohlads could do is pay to keep the marquis guy in the home uniform. He's the face of the franchise, the best hitter at his position in a generation, and is whispered as being one of the best catcher of all-time. He's also 26, and its possible that his best years may be still ahead.

Ten years and 200 million dollars is a lot of money for any team, much less a small to mid market team like the Twins. But when you consider everything that Joe Mauer is (and will be) to the team and its fans, it may just be a bargain.

The Sheer Absurdity of the "Moral Majority"

2009-07-08T10:35:00.000-04:00

What do Mark Foley, David Vitter, Larry Craig, John Ensign, and Mark Sanford all have in common?

They've all made their political careers by claiming moral superiority and godliness over just about everyone on their way to total christian conservative (read Republican) domination.

Oh yeah, and they're all also cheaters, swindlers, liars, bribers, and fornicators.

Political sex scandals are nothing new. For thousands of years kings and rulers have claimed divine right to rule while acting less than divine behind closed doors. But in the 24 hour news network environment, "That kinda shit don't fly" as my high school Econ teacher would say. My Sarah Palin article aside, I think that Republicans have some very good ideas about how our country should be run. But if they honestly keep up with this holier-than-thou bullhockey then I'll totally quit them for good. Especially when it seems like so many of their flock doesn't exactly practice the company credo.

Neither party has a monopoly on righteousness, to be sure. And each party has their fair share of cheats and crooks. The difference is that democrats don't go around claiming to be better than everyone else. They don't claim moral superiority like so many of these red idiots do. Mark Sanford took a great moral stand in refusing any stimulus money for his state of South Carolina, even while schools, government, and infrastructure suffered. It wasn't because he was opposed to it. My man was already getting stimulated on those goodwill trips down south.

The 2010 elections will be very interesting, to be sure. If the economy starts to turn around or at least shows signs of life, I think the American people will keep the dems in power until 2012. I also think that if more and more republican senators keep getting caught with girls (or boys, in Foley and Craig's cases) who are not their wife, we'll see the "morals" voters stay home.

The Real Story Behind the Palin Resignation

2009-07-04T12:30:00.000-04:00

Why did Sarah Palin resign?

Most news sites will speculate, but I actually know. My sources tell me that a big story was about to break that would ruin the Palin political career and "legacy" beyond belief. It's a tale of mystery, intrigue, and downright treachery involving Palin and a whole cast of outrageously famous people. And to fully grasp that intracacies of the tale, we need to start at the beginning.

Sarah Palin was elected to the Wasilla city council in 1992. She was a happily married mom, a devoted Christian, and a public servant. Some of her biggest political accomplishments came during this time:

- She proposed a change to the council meeting schedule, successfully shortening lunch from an hour to 50 minutes.
- She backed a local junior hockey coach who, according to his statement, "don't want no girlies playin' ice hockey, eh."
- She designed a new council emblem, removing the eagle and olive branch and replacing it with a moose holding two shotguns - one pointed at Russia and the other pointed at Mexico.

Her fame caught on like Alaska wildfire and she rode her popularity all the way to the mayor's office of Wasilla. It was at this point that some seedier characters would begin to invade Palin's seemingly perfect Alaskan existence. She was approached by Thomas Wilcox, a well-known oil lobbyist for Exxon, about possibly drilling in Wasilla for that sweet Alaska tea. Palin, ever the champion of environmental rights (at that point) politely declined Mr. Wilcox's request. (She was also aided by the fact that she had prayed, for months on end, asking God to give her a sign that there was oil in Wasilla and she should drill for it. When none came, she knew wholeheartedly that there was no oil in the town.) He insisted however, and sent Palin a bouquet of sunflowers every day for three months. His courtship of her consisted of letters, flowers, chocolates, and Sarah's all-time favorite dish, fish tacos. Palin's husband Todd became suspicious that she was running around on him and their six (or seven) kids, but Sarah assured him that she was only being pursued by a crazed guy who said he was an oilman, and she agreed.

A fish taco, similar to the one given to Palin by Wilcox.

After months and months of seemingly improper gifts, Palin acquiesced to Wilcox's demands for oil exploration in the Wasilla city limits, but only under one condition: if oil were found, the derrick must be named for Todd - her one true love. Wilcox agreed. Of course, Palin knew that there was no oil to be had, but Wilcox had showered her with improper gifts to the point that he threatened to go public with her acceptance of his bribery. A secret deal had been born. Three years later, after drilling and searching for oil only at night for fear of being discovered by the town, Wilcox and his Exxon team struck oil.

The news was stunning to Palin - she loved being on the front page of every newspaper in Alaska, but her environmentalist base felt abandoned. She needed to act, and quickly. She decided to publicly blame Tanya Gropket, at the time her political director of affairs in Wasilla, for the secret deal. She said she would try to manage the surplus income the oil would bring into the town, but was deeply saddened that Wasilla's pristine landscape would now be forever sullied by the discovery of oil. Gropket was widely criticized and eventually moved to New York where she would leave politics behind forever.

A schematic of the Todd derrick.

Over the next few years, Palin's stock was rising as one of the few attractive people in the Republican party, and the RNC saw an opportunity. They pushed her to run for Lieutenant governor in Alaska, a post which she certainly could and should win, with her newfound popularity. Several televised debates were held, and while she scored very, very highly in the men aged 35-64 bracket, (very highly), her reception was more muted for pretty much everyone else. She had some slipups along the campaign trail: she was caught on mic referring to a pet as a "no good stupid excuse for a dog," only later to find out she was talking to her husband, Todd. She also had an unfortunate incident during one of her helicopter hunting expeditions where she shot at a moose only to later find it was a group of immigrants working in the oil fields huddled under a blanket. Palin lost her candidacy for Lt. Gov. and eventually settled back into life as a private citizen. There were still bigger plans in the works for Mrs. Palin, however.

Sarah Palin preparing to kill every creature in the Alaskan wilderness.

She eventually became governor of the great state* of Alaska, something her handlers had envisioned all along. What they didn't envision was the incredible excitement she would cause by being a part of the 2008 general election. Her addition to the Republican ticket alongside sometimes comatose John McCain was just what the party needed, and they didn't get slaughtered by nearly as much as most people imagined. even after the election, Palin was a hot ticket for every talk show host and speech.

Palin using her trademark deception and cuteness.

When Sarah Palin came to New York early this summer, an old friend thought it appropriate to take a shot at Caribou Barbie. Re-enter Ms. Gropket. She left Alaska and had signed on as a comedy writer after the writer's strike of 2008. And wouldn't you know it, she was now a writer for Dave Letterman's Late Show. She had the fantastic idea to do a Top 10 list about Mrs. Palin including taking shots at her, her husband, and her morally casual daughter. She did all of the research, wrote all of the jokes, and presented the idea to Mr. Letterman to use on his show. Letterman, always the showman and not wanting to displease anyone, called Mrs. Palin's office to clear the bit with her before proceeding. Piper, Palin's youngest son, gave Letterman the go ahead. Why Palin had chosen her deputy of communications to be her 8 year old son, no one knows. But Piper thought Letterman was hilarious, and his mom was making him work all those hours so why not?

The list went off without a hitch, and everyone thought it was hilarious and tastefully done. My sources tell me that Piper, Palin's son who had given Letterman the go-ahead, said it was so funny he "pooped his pants a little bit." Everyone was amused. But Palin, not liking that someone else was gaining the spotlight at her expense, launched an all-out attack on Letterman. She said that she cannot believe he would joke about Alex Rodriguez, local baseball player and famed choke-artist, having sex with his daughter Willow who is 13. Letterman said that the joke was actually in reference to Bristol, her daughter of 19, who has pretty much had sex with everyone. Especially mad were the conservative media, who painted Letterman as an axe-murderer and a racist and a bigot and a molester. Rush Limbaugh basically fatwa'd Letterman on his radio show.

Rush doesn't separate business from pleasure.

Seemingly quiet on the issue was Alex Rodriguez. It is sort of hard to hear what's going on above the noise of everyone clapping for Derek Jeter, but sooner or later a statement would need to be made on his behalf. Luckily, Palin did it for him by saying, "Alex was deeply disturbed by the insinuation that he, of all people, would have any sort of relations with my 8 [sic] year old daughter Willow." Alex was now outraged by this statement and demanded a meeting with Sarah Palin and Letterman to straighten the whole mess out. The three of them met and hashed out all of the details, as evidenced by Letterman's heartfelt apology on his show in the coming week. They chatted casually over dinner about politics, baseball, and the state of the world, until finally Letterman had to leave to attend to his adorable son Harry.

Well, one glass of wine turned into a bottle turned into a tour of the cellar and Rodriguez and Palin were both tanked. Restaurant managers quickly worked to move the two back to a private room where their images would not be tarnished by their public display of drunkenness. At one point, Rodriguez even asked the waitress to marry him and that his wife was, "a total bitch." The waitress, whose name was Steve, politely declined and refilled his glass with Chardonnay. Palin too was way beyond sober as evidenced by her repeated ordering of a "Mooseburger, well-done, with snow on the side." Finally, Steve the waitress put a sign on his chest informing her they didn't serve mooseburgers, in the hope that she would stop asking.

Finally, the swanky Manhattan restaurant closed for the evening and the two had to leave. Rodriguez picked up the entire tab for dinner, over $800 including alcohol, while Palin politely left a $20 tip on the table. When Rodriguez's driver arrived, Palin could not remember what hotel she was staying at in New York, or even if she had booked one. Her cell phone battery had been dead for about five hours now, and she had no idea of any of her travel plans. The two decided to go back to Rodriguez's upper-east side apartment where she could sober up and decide what to do next.

A-Rod's fine ass.

They arrived at Rodriguez's apartment and stumbled into his place. The doorman recalled that Rodriguez was bragging about his incredible video game surround sound setup, and Palin was whining that he did not have the original Nintendo so she could play Duck Hunt. Once upstairs, Rodriguez said he was going to change and that Palin could use his wife's clothes and her bathroom. When Rodriguez emerged from his bedroom, Palin was on the couch wearing nothing but Rodriguez's Mariners jersey from his rookie year singing to a Jessica Simpson CD he had in his stereo. Clearly the relationship had taken a much more seductive course than Rodriguez had planned or hoped.

Palin spent the next 10 minutes ensuring Rodriguez that "everything would be okay" and assuring him that Alaskan girls weren't all that different from the 19 year old New Jersey natives he usually entertained. Eventually Rodriguez would succumb to Palin's demands, and the two had a sensual night interrupted only once by Rodriguez's incessant whining. Hours of lovemaking ensued. Speaking to his doorman about the encounter the next day, Rodriguez reportedly said he "wished [he] could perform like that in October."

Early the next morning, Letterman woke Rodriguez and Palin because Todd had been calling CBS all night looking for her. Eventually they routed the call to Letterman, who in turn called Rodriguez. He quickly answered that he hadn't seen her since dinner, and hung up. Palin got dressed and proceeded back to the hotel where Todd was anxiously awaiting her return. She explained to him that she met up with some old Wasilla friends in the city and spent the night with them, and she apologized profusely for her lack of contact.

Upon returning home to Alaska, she didn't feel quite well and took the afternoon off from her governing duties. After having about 17 kids, this was a feeling she knew well - Palin was pregnant. Todd had already gone through one late pregnancy, her youngest daughter was born in 2007, but she thought he would be thrilled to be a father again. She wanted to check with the doctor just to be sure, and indeed tests proved that she was pregnant. Something interesting came up on the ultrasound, though - the baby would constantly swagger around Palin's stomach when no one was looking, but was reduced to sucking its thumb whenever anyone was paying attention. Palin knew right away that the baby's father was actually Alex Rodriguez.

Sarah Palin's Caribbean baby bump.

Now she was in a pickle. This wasn't Me, Myself, and Irene where she could just pop out a half-Dominican baby and no one would notice. This was Alaska, where anything darker than a fluorescent light was looked at as subhuman. She knew that the only hope of saving her political career was to somehow have this baby and make it seem like it was actually Bristol's. After all, she was already thought to have had relations with Arod, why not have his baby too? Palin called Rodriguez to tell him the news, and he absolutely demanded that she do "something" about the pregnancy. When she told him she would go through and have the baby, he gave her an ultimatum - either end her reign as governor of Alaska and work full-time to ensure government backing for his Hall of Fame election, or he would out their tryst and ruin Palin.

Again, Palin found herself in an impossible situation. She couldn't leave Alaska behind, abandoning everything for which she'd worked so hard, but she also could never admit she'd had an affair with Alex Rodriguez. She also knew that even with Federal backing, the likelihood of Rodriguez ever getting into the HOF without a championship were slim to none. She had to take the only option she could, and therefore resigned her post as governor of Alaska.

Jimmy V's speech

2009-06-28T12:00:00.000-04:00

For those of you who aren't basketball fans, I've posted Jim Valvano's speech from the ESPYS in 1993. If you can watch this whole thing without tearing up, then you're a lot harder than I am (AND I AM REALLY HARD). Video below, transcript to follow.

"I can't tell you what an honor it is, to even be mentioned in the same breath with Arthur Ashe. This is something I certainly will treasure forever. But, as it was said on the tape, and I also don't have one of those things going with the cue cards, so I'm going to speak longer than anybody else has spoken tonight. That's the way it goes. Time is very precious to me. I don't know how much I have left and I have some things that I would like to say. Hopefully, at the end, I will have said something that will be important to other people too.

But, I can't help it. Now I'm fighting cancer, everybody knows that. People ask me all the time about how you go through your life and how's your day, and nothing is changed for me. As Dick said, I'm a very emotional and passionate man. I can't help it. That's being the son of Rocco and Angelina Valvano. It comes with the territory. We hug, we kiss, we love. When people say to me how do you get through life or each day, it's the same thing. To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.

I rode on the plane up today with Mike Krzyzewski, my good friend and wonderful coach. People don't realize he's ten times a better person than he is a coach, and we know he's a great coach. He's meant a lot to me in these last five or six months with my battle. But when I look at Mike, I think, we competed against each other as players. I coached against him for fifteen years, and I always have to think about what's important in life to me are these three things. Where you started, where you are and where you're going to be. Those are the three things that I try to do every day. When I think about getting up and giving a speech, I can't help it. I have to remember the first speech I ever gave.

I was coaching at Rutgers University, that was my first job, oh that's wonderful (reaction to applause), and I was the freshman coach. That's when freshmen played on freshman teams, and I was so fired up about my first job. I see Lou Holtz here. Coach Holtz, who doesn't like the very first job you had? The very first time you stood in the locker room to give a pep talk. That's a special place, the locker room, for a coach to give a talk. So my idol as a coach was Vince Lombardi, and I read this book called "Commitment To Excellence" by Vince Lombardi. And in the book, Lombardi talked about the fist time he spoke before his Green Bay Packers team in the locker room, and they were perennial losers. I'm reading this and Lombardi said he was thinking should it be a long talk, or a short talk? But he wanted it to be emotional, so it would be brief. So here's what he did:

Normally you get in the locker room, I don't know, twenty-five minutes, a half hour before the team takes the field, you do your little x and o's, and then you give the great Knute Rockne talk. We all do. Speech number eighty-four. You pull them right out, you get ready. You get your squad ready. Well, this is the first one I ever gave and I read this thing. Lombardi, what he said was he didn't go in, he waited. His team wondering, where is he? Where is this great coach? He's not there. Ten minutes he's still not there. Three minutes before they could take the field Lombardi comes in, bangs the door open, and I think you all remember what great presence he had, great presence. He walked in and he walked back and forth, like this, just walked, staring at the players. He said, "All eyes on me." I'm reading this in this book. I'm getting this picture of Lombardi before his first game and he said "Gentlemen, we will be successful this year, if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the Green Bay Packers." They knocked the walls down and the rest was history. I said, that's beautiful. I'm going to do that. Your family, your religion and Rutgers basketball. That's it. I had it. Listen, I'm twenty-one years old. The kids I'm coaching are nineteen, and I'm going to be the greatest coach in the world, the next Lombardi. I'm practicing outside of the locker room and the managers tell me you got to go in. Not yet, not yet, family, religion, Rutgers Basketball. All eyes on me. I got it, I got it.

Then finally he said, three minutes, I said fine. True story. I go to knock the doors open just like Lombardi. Boom! They don't open. I almost broke my arm. Now I was down, the players were looking. Help the coach out, help him out. Now I did like Lombardi, I walked back and forth, and I was going like that with my arm getting the feeling back in it. Finally I said, "Gentlemen, all eyes on me." These kids wanted to play, they're nineteen. "Let's go," I said. "Gentlemen, we'll be successful this year if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the Green Bay Packers," I told them. I did that. I remember that. I remember where I came from.

It's so important to know where you are. I know where I am right now. How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal. You have to be willing to work for it.

I talked about my family, my family's so important. People think I have courage. The courage in my family are my wife Pam, my three daughters, here, Nicole, Jamie, LeeAnn, my mom, who's right here too. That screen is flashing up there thirty seconds like I care about that screen right now, huh? I got tumors all over my body. I'm worried about some guy in the back going thirty seconds? You got a lot, hey va fa napoli, buddy. You got a lot.

I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you're emotions going. To be enthusiastic every day and as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Nothing great could be accomplished without enthusiasm," to keep your dreams alive in spite of problems whatever you have. The ability to be able to work hard for your dreams to come true, to become a reality.

Now I look at where I am now and I know what I want to do. What I would like to be able to do is spend whatever time I have left and to give, and maybe, some hope to others. Arthur Ashe Foundation is a wonderful thing, and AIDS, the amount of money pouring in for AIDS is not enough, but is significant. But if I told you it's ten times the amount that goes in for cancer research. I also told you that five hundred thousand people will die this year of cancer. I also tell you that one in every four will be afflicted with this disease, and yet somehow, we seem to have put it in a little bit of the background. I want to bring it back on the front table. We need your help. I need your help. We need money for research. It may not save my life. It may save my children's lives. It may save someone you love. And ESPN has been so kind to support me in this endeavor and allow me to announce tonight, that with ESPN's support, which means what? Their money and their dollars and they're helping me-we are starting the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. And it's motto is "Don't give up, don't ever give up." That's what I'm going to try to do every minute that I have left. I will thank God for the day and the moment I have. If you see me, smile and give me a hug. That's important to me too. But try if you can to support, whether it's AIDS or the cancer foundation, so that someone else might survive, might prosper and might actually be cured of this dreaded disease. I can't thank ESPN enough for allowing this to happen. I'm going to work as hard as I can for cancer research and hopefully, maybe, we'll have some cures and some breakthroughs. I'd like to think, I'm going to fight my brains out to be back here again next year for the Arthur Ashe recipient. I want to give it next year!

I know, I gotta go, I gotta go, and I got one last thing and I said it before, and I want to say it again. Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever.

I thank you and God bless you all."

Dear Orlando drivers,

2009-06-06T09:56:00.000-04:00

Seriously, driving in a roundabout isn't that difficult. This isn't England, where roundabouts are like a quarter-mile long with 10 turnoffs and two lanes going 30 mph (48 kmh, I should say). We're talking about a roundabout literally that's barely there - two roads intersecting, brick roads at that, where the average person would probably be going 20 on each of those roads. It really isn't that confusing: If no one is coming from your left (or straight), then go! If I'm on your right, why are you going to stop?! You go, then I go, then I don't seethe in anger. This is the exact roundabout I'm talking about:

Really big and scary, huh? YOU CAN SEE EVERYONE IN EVERY DIRECTION. That's what I see when I come to this roundabout. This is what everyone else sees:

Apparently, this is a diagram of an actual roundabout in Swindon, England. I'm pretty sure I'd be having unnapants problems if I had to drive this.

Moral of this story: If you happen to be in Orlando going downtown, and you know how to drive in very simple roundabouts, please feel free to take concord and/or broadway to reach your destination. If you don't go out to Colonial and be stuck in traffic with all the other suckers.

Looking for love (w4m) on craigslist

2009-04-26T20:21:00.005-04:00

Let me preface this open letter by saying that I have not been single in almost four years, and maybe things have changed drastically in terms of looking for love. I am currently smitten and hope that I won't find myself in such a position, and if I found myself such, I may change this stance. End preface.

Really?

Really? You're posting on craigslist? Trying to find "Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now, Mr. Forever"? Really? I mean, I guess if you get rejected by match.com, eharmony, chemistry.com, and can't even sell a date on ebay, I could understand the craigslist post. But you can't possibly tell me you've explored these other options. If you've gone on 10 dates with 10 guys and none of them "connected", do you think it's time to change your approach? If you've "kissed a bunch of frogs" lately, then maybe you're just a frog-magnet. I'm not sayin', but I'm just sayin'.

No, I know you're "super cute" and "definitely a 10". Your standard rating system is flawed. I know that you say you're a 10, but is that 1-10? Is it 1-20? 1-100? 10-50? This flaw aside, cuteness is still relative. If a girl is cute walking down the street in New York, she's cute everywhere. If she's not cute in New York but would be in Anchorage, she might be cute, but might not be. If she's not cute in Orlando or Anchorage, but is at the Renaissance fair, chances are you're not that cute. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but be able to back up your own description with a credible frame of reference.

No, I know that "one of your friends found someone on here" and you thought you'd try it too. Whether or not this friend actually exists is another debate. Assuming he/she is of the mortal realm, why can't they set you up? Or, if they truly found love on cl, what about their significant other? The likelihood of one person not knowing any eligible people who they might connect with is pretty small. The likelihood of this "friend", their new love interest, and you not knowing any such people is infinitesimal.

Here's some other commonly used lines, along with their relevant real world translation (these all came from actual cl posts):

CL - "I'm not your typical skinny white girl."
RW - "I have my own table for one at the Great American Buffet."

CL - "I'm looking for something new and exciting."
RW - "I'm looking for an excuse to expose myself to natural sunlight."

CL - "I'm a huge animal lover."
RW - "I'm a HUGE animal lover."

CL - "I recently got out of a relationship."
RW - "My Second Life husband got his internet turned off."

CL - "I'm bored and in a rut right now."
RW - "If you could take me out to dinner, then find me a job, that'd be great."

CL - "My friends say I'm unique."
RW - "My friends, the squirrels, like to follow me in the park."

CL - "I want a man with financial stability."
RW - "If you haven't paid off my Visa by date 4, you're out."

CL - "I want a man, not a boy."
RW - "If your TV even stops at ESPN, you're cut off."

Also, there really needs to be some sort of spell/grammar check before posting. And a tutorial for the appropriate use of apostrophes (or should I say apostrophe's) would be great. In the meantime, if you're ever bored or just want a pick-me-up, visit your local craigslist site and mosey down to the women seeking men link. I promise that hilarity will ensue.

Getting back to it, plus the NHL playoffs

2009-04-18T20:48:00.003-04:00

My life is busier than it's ever been, which is both a good thing and a tiring thing. Work is going really well, Katie and I are always busy, and our new puppy requires earlier mornings and sometimes restless nights that come with having a puppy. All of these are inherently good - I'm glad to have them in my life. But I start to find that my days are becoming much more regimented, if for no other reason than to get everything in. Even on the days where everything fits in the best it still seems like there's not enough time. Writing here is something I enjoy doing, but with everything else going on, it's hard to find time. I'm going to make an honest effort to write here at least a few times a week. Even if it's for 10 minutes and it's a short post, I still enjoy doing it. Plus, it allows me an opportunity to keep up with my friends lives and the things you guys write about.

WHICH REMINDS ME, if you have a blog and read mine, please comment or email me so I can stalk yours and link to it on the left of mine.

If you like sports, like REALLY like sports, then I sure hope you're watching the NHL playoffs this year. There is no sport on TV that takes better advantage of HD broadcasts than hockey does. And this year's games have been incredible. Hockey is great for people who don't really watch it because the rules are pretty simple. There are penalties that you can pick up by watching for a bit. And opening up wikipedia and looking up the basic rules can make it plenty understandable to watch a game. If you know anything about me, you know that football is far and away my favorite sport. But hockey is a very close second when it comes to watching on TV or in person. It's fast-paced, there's not many commercials, and you don't really need to know any of the players.

Anyway, hope everyone out there is doing well, and drop me a line if you want a shoutout or just want to say hi.

Brackets, baby

2009-03-19T10:33:00.004-04:00

So I haven't posted in a long time. I know that. The reality is I've been looking for inspiration, for a catalyst, for a reason to live. That reason, of course, is the NCAA tournament.

For those that have been wondering what's been going on in my life, I've provided a brief timeline of events from before my last depressing post until now-ish. I've also included my NCAA bracket at the bottom of this post. That way, when all of my prophetic upsets take place over the next 4 days, you can sit back and think about how smart I am.

The timeline!

Dec 30 – Get back to FL from VA and prepare for Katie’s move-in (her lease is up 3 weeks before mine).
Jan 2 – Katie moves in to my apt, and we start to look for something more in the middle of our respective jobs. We live about 10 minutes east of downtown. I work right downtown, she works about 30 mins south of downtown. 15 mins or so of downtown would be an ideal living spot for us.
Jan 3 – We realize that there’s nothing 15 mins south of downtown, so we look a bit further south and start to find some things.
Jan 6 – Return back to work feeling refreshed and ready to attack the second year of my job.
Jan 14 – After looking at apartments day and night for a week, Katie and I find something we like right in the area we wanted. We sign the lease and decide to move in that weekend. Rent is more expensive than I was paying, but who cares? I have a job that I like that pays great!
Jan 15 – I get laid-off. My boss says he really likes me and wishes things could have worked differently. I recall this conversation from a previous breakup in high school. I begin to wonder if he recycled it from a breakup as well.
Jan 16 – I can start moving stuff on Friday since, you know, I don’t have a job.
Jan 18 – Our first night in our new place. I like it, but it seems unnecessarily expensive now that, you know, I don’t have a job.
Late Jan and Feb – I call about a million people asking if they’re hiring and trying to set up meetings. Everyone says the same thing: “You seem like a great kid and your resume and background are strong, but we’re really not hiring right now.” I recall this type of line from college rejection letters.
Feb 14 – Valentine’s Day is very romantic, we go to a nice dinner at the Capital Grille. Katie pays. I hang my head in shame.
Feb 23 – I finally get a call back from one company. They said they got over a hundred resumes, but they want to interview me. It goes well, but I’m not holding out hope.
Feb 25 – I go back again, and they offered me a job! I start on March 9. The job is located approximately 30 seconds from where I used to live. I now have a 30 minute commute every day. I realize that my current transportation is inadequate and begin to look for a newer car.
March 7 – After a day of running errands, Katie decides she really wants a puppy. I tell her that we have so much going on with the new job and me looking for a car and her job that we don’t have time for a puppy.
March 8 – We bring home the puppy. She’s adorable, but not quite well adjusted. Her name is Nike, she’s a miniature schnauzer. She yelps all night. I get about two hours of sleep.
March 9 – My first day of work. My coworkers think I’m some sort of deviant caffeine freak because I bring in my own 2 liter of Diet Dr. Pepper to try to stay awake all day. One tells me there’s no way I can drink the entire thing in one day. By 1:30, it’s gone. He is thoroughly impressed.

So there you go. Now for my bracket:

More to come. Welcome back blogworld!

A far away problem hits home.

2009-01-19T11:33:00.002-05:00

Maybe I'm a bit in the minority on this, but when I turned on the news at night and saw all of the economic problems - foreclosures, bankruptcies, unemployment - I really considered them to be other people's problems. After all, I have a good job, a nice place to live, nice things, and even through all of 2008's troubles I made it through relatively unscathed.

On Thursday afternoon, I was wrapping things up at my desk, ready to get home and pack my things to move into Katie and my new place on Friday. My mind was a million different places, just thinking about everything that had to be done over the next four days, including a long weekend (we had Monday off). My boss came around to my desk and asked if I had a second. With all of the projects going into the new year I honestly convinced myself that this occasion was to discuss something he wanted me to work on. When I walked into the room and saw his face, I knew exactly why I was there.

The next five minutes were directly from the corporate HR script (I was an HR double major in college after all). We did this exact roleplay in school and honestly I never thought it could go exactly like that in the real world. He always referred to me being laid-off as my position being eliminated. He thanked me for my hard work and said it was the toughest thing he'd ever done in a work setting. He offered advice, mainly by telling me that the real estate market was "tough right now" (as if this meeting weren't enough illustration). He gave me some paperwork (HR babble), asked me if I had any questions (uh, did you get the license plate of the truck that just ran me over?), and allowed me to come back tomorrow or after hours to collect all of my things (no thanks, I'd like to just get this over with). Literally in fifteen minutes time, I had gone from working with full confidence in my job to throwing a box with all my things from the office in my car and driving home for the last time.

I've heard stories of people having big blowups, being escorted out by security, yelling and throwing things after being laid off. I didn't know what to feel. I gathered my stuff, went out to my car, and drove home. It wasn't until I parked at my apartment that my mind really started to think at all. I sat in my car and cried for a half hour. I talked to my mom, my dad, my sister, Katie, one co-worker who still works on my team, and one co-worker who lost her job about five minutes after I lost mine. I wasn't mad at my boss, or angry at the market, or sad about the people I was leaving. I felt overwhelmed. Overpowered. Blindsided. Mostly I felt unprepared, which is one of my worst feelings. I knew the real estate market was bad. I knew that it was especially bad in Florida. But I also knew that we were trying to be well-positioned for the turnaround. Our business was actually picking up a bit compared to 2008. A few times, I'd thought about coming home and working on my resume just in case. I always figured I'd see it coming. It turns out that what I figured was wrong.

All through this mess, I thought that the problems facing a lot of people in the US were problems for other places. Things were bad in New York, in Detroit, in LA. I read about unemployed people struggling to find work in a bad economy. I felt bad for them the way most people feel bad about people starving on other continents, or drinking bad water, or dying of curable diseases. I was sorry for their predicament but could never imagine being in their shoes. At 4:00 on Thursday, I didn't personally know anyone who had been laid-off in this bad economy. By 4:30, I was sitting in my parking lot, trying to piece together what had just happened.

A Renegades-esque hockey fight

2009-01-14T18:31:00.002-05:00

My personal favorite is the guy at 2:17 who skates off the bench over to someone who had already been in a fight... to fight him.

There is no better argument than this video for why we need minor league hockey in Orlando.

Breaking a promise

2009-01-10T22:12:00.002-05:00

When I started this blog, I really wanted to avoid doing what I did on my former blog - constantly bitching about my favorite sports teams. I know there are a bunch of people who write about their significant others or offer relationship advice based on their own experience, and so in that voice I will throw my loonie and toonie in about the end of my football season.

I can't end the season without thinking about the signature moments in my sports watching life.

My first distinct memory of watching a sporting event on tv was Game 7 of the '91 World Series. I begged my mom to let me stay up and watch it (I was 7 at the time). She said I could, but only until the 7th inning. So I did. And then when I figured out that they would stay down in the living room watching it, I decided to go into their room and turn on the tiny black and white TV they had and watch the rest. I remember the last three innings of that game as if they were the only three I've ever seen. Gene Larkin hits it to the outfield, the Twins won the world series, and I ran downstairs and jumped up and down with my dad for about five minutes. It wasn't until later that my mom thought about the series of events, but I think my dad talked me out of trouble. That was the last championship any of my sports teams every won, so it's probably the most sublimely happy time I can remember as a sports fan too, which is pretty lame considering it's almost 20 years ago.

My worst memory is easily this game. I cried. I thought we were on our way to the Super Bowl, and I cried.

My best in-person sports memory was at Tech - our game against Miami my soph year. I can honestly say I've never heard a crowd so pumped up for a football game in my life. It was as loud as I've ever heard a stadium, and I can't imagine anywhere louder. The FL people reading this blog are probably yelling about how loud the swamp is. Well believe me, Lane Stadium, on that night, was louder:

But I digress.

At the beginning of this football season, I was writing every week about stories and various goings on around pro and college football, but to be honest I just didn't want to do it anymore. I love football. I'm consumed by it. I'll honestly sit down and watch two Mountain West teams play on a Tuesday night instead of watching anything else. I was watching football easily 4 days every week. So on those rare days where my mind was allowed to wander, I let it. I didn't want to write about football. As Katie or anyone else can attest, this doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about football, I just didn't want to have to. (And while that sentence gets my point across, it might honestly be the worst sentence ever written in history.)

Virginia Tech, my beloved alma mater, won the Orange Bowl and finished in the top 15. If you'd asked me 8 weeks ago if that were possible, I probably would have said something along the lines of "No". But alas, they managed to make it to a bowl and actually win, holding up the rep of the basketball conference in which we play. I have a sinking feeling that our defense played far too well, and it will cost us Bud Foster, our defensive coordinator who should be not only Tech's next head coach, but also secretary of defense under Barack Obama.

As for the Vikings: Well, in the end they were who we thought they were. A great team with a below-average quarterback just can't win in the playoffs. The Vikings ended up with 4 all-pros. Of the 22 normal positions in the NFL, the Vikings had the single best player at 4 of them. There's no reason, other than subpar quarterback play, that they shouldn't have made a deep playoff run. And Tavaris Jackson de-friended me on facebook. Maybe he should have spend some more time in the filmroom and not so much on the internets.

My other pseudo-adopted team, the Gators, won the national championship. Just don't consider that the system that crowned them is a total sham. In my opinion, Utah got totally jobbed here. Forget USC, if you can't figure out a way to win in Corvalis, you don't deserve a shot. Utah's last four games included three wins against teams ranked in the top 15. They undressed Alabama, who was essentially playing a home game in New Orleans, in the Sugar Bowl. Alabama played Florida much tougher than they did Utah. It isn't to say Utah's better, but wouldn't you like to see it on the field? And what of Texas? They literally came within a second of beating Texas Tech and probably finishing undefeated. Of all of the top teams, their sole loss was the best.

From a fan's perspective, this football season has been one of the best. I actually saw my Vikes in person twice - playing terribly in Tampa and then jamming out in Jacksonville. The bowls were excellent for the most part, and the playoffs have been great. I'll make my all-encompassing Super Bowl predictions soon, but until then keep watching football and keep reaching for the stars.

"I promise to defend the Constitution, and spend a lot of time on the road..."

2009-01-09T16:11:00.002-05:00

Barack Obama is about to become one of the most powerful people in the world, but I have a feeling he might be outranked by two people in his own home. It's no surprise that Michelle, dreamy-like and powerful in WHBM wear and Macy's dresses, wears the pantyhose in the relationship. But he just got some God-awful news:

His mother-in-law is moving into the White House with them.

If I were him, I'd be much taller. And I would recommend that she stay in a top of the line mother-in-law suite. You know, in Wyoming.

2% of Americans now Obese!* (*over 400 pounds)

2009-01-05T21:49:00.003-05:00

Leave it to the state of Florida to meet an environmental requirement by, of course, changing the definition of the requirement.

Governor Charlie Crist, who recently decided he just didn't have enough people telling him what to do, set a guideline for the state of Florida to rely on renewable energy for 20% of the states needs by 2020. This was set forth at a time when it was politically in vogue to do so - gas prices were high, there was much more unrest in Iraq and Iran, and Venezuela was as bat-ass crazy as ever. But it's a good goal - not just for the economy but for the planet.

Florida is strategically placed to take advantage of renewable energy. Wave, wind, and solar energy are abundant in this state and Gov. Crist's plan to lead the US in renewable energy consumption is a smart one. So what stance did the Public Service Commission take when faced with the 10 year public policy goal?

"Uhh, could we include nuclear and clean coal as renewable?"

Excuse me. What?

I'm no expert, but I'm fairly sure that uranium and coal are pretty far from renewable. Unless your "renewable" time period is millions of years, it's pretty hard to renew coal. And uranium is a naturally occurring element, but it doesn't float out there in the wind. There is a finite supply and there could be a day where we use it all up.

I think nuclear power plays far too small of a role in US energy production. The safety rate is extremely high. And aside from the proper disposal of spent reactor fuel, nuclear energy is almost harmless to the environment. Most plants are built far from population centers, minimizing any potential effects on the surrounding population. I can tell from experience that coal power plants are no fun to live by.

I'll tell you what would be fabulous. How about politicians work harder at doing good than looking good? Unless you're Ruby Dhalla, in which case you can do both at once:

True patriot love, indeed.

Hello 2009!

2008-12-29T23:53:00.003-05:00

As a general rule, I don't do anything with lasting consequences after drinking. But tonight, at approximately 2:00am on Jan 1, 2009, I decided to post in this very space. I'm currently laying in bed in the next room over from the Katie. (She has a twin bed, and my philosophy is that while I love her more than just about anything, I don't love anyone enough to share a twin bed with them comfortably.)

It's hard to believe that it's been a year since I loaded up my car with everything it could handle and drove from Richmond to Orlando. The last year has been the most fun and most challenging of my life. I'm definitely closer with the Katie than I've ever been, which is natural considering we're actually living in the same area code for the first time in our relationship. Somehow, I feel closer to my family this year, and I've definitely talked to them more on the phone than I did in person living in this house. A new job, a new place, new friends, and new things have all come into my life, and I love it all (well, most of it at least). I started writing again (here and otherwise) and it helps me get a thousand thoughts a minute out of my head.

2009 will bring a whole new set of challenges and changes in my life. The Katie and I are moving in together (I KNOW!) and my job will hopefully begin a turn for the more adventurous and busy. I'll turn 25 in May, which is almost impossible to believe considering school and home don't seem far enough removed for me to be that old. The Vikings will make a miraculous run to the Super Bowl, which is enough to satisfy my sports appetite for an entire year anyway. The Twins and Wild will struggle toward mediocrity, which has become their respective trademark over recent years. The Timberwolves will hopefully have a high draft pick, which is all that I can really ask of them at this point.

As for "resolutions" for 2009, I'll leave that to you. My things that I try to do are the same every day: laugh, think, work, talk, love, and sleep. If you really try to do more of these things in 09, I promise you'll leave 09 better than you've left 08. I wish all of you nothing but the best in the new year, and keep me updated on your respective lives.

Home for the holidays

2008-12-29T22:51:00.003-05:00

All through my time at school, I never really enjoyed coming home. It wasn't one of those "I don't get along with my family" things - I always loved them. It was more the feeling of being home. School was exciting and fun and busy. Home was boring and dull and... boring. All of my stuff was at school, not to mention all of my friends.

(Aside: In college, very few of my closest friends were based here in Richmond. All of the kids who couldn't wait to get home to see their friends were weird to me. Even the five or so people I would have cared to see from high school were all somewhere else by then.)

Being home has been really relaxing. I've slept in past 10 more in the last week than I probably did in the last six months. I played Rock Band 2 for a while, I worked for uh, less than a while, and I talked a lot with my mom and sister (and watched football with Dad). I found a new celebrity crush - the delightfully adorably punky lead singer of Paramore whose name is Hayley Williams. I watched more Deadliest Catch than I care to think about. I convinced my dad that no matter how much drunken icefishing he did in Minnesota he could never make it as a crab fisherman in Alaska. I got a new Vikings jersey, wore said Vikings jersey, and the Vikings won the division.

This trip home has been great. I've seen or realized a few things being back in Virginia:

-Winter, contrary to popular Florida belief, actually exists.
-My baby sister, who seemingly three years ago was five, is now a freshman in college and very much a cool girl.
-My mom, who is without a doubt the strongest person I've ever met, walks on eggshells everyday with the debacle that has become her company.
-My dad somehow puts up with it all.
-Our new dog, a beagle who my aunt found behind her house, is the most terrible and endlessly entertaining dog in history.
-I got off the plane and was freezing at 40 degrees. Yesterday I was outside in short sleeves and feeling fine at 30 degrees.

Anyway, not much time now. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to wrap up 2008 in between flights and airports. I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas, and are currently manning up (or womanning up) for 2009.

Sarah Palin and her running mate, Elmer the Turkey Slaughterer

2008-12-18T17:05:00.002-05:00

Regardless of your feelings about Sarah Palin, the Republican Party, Alaska, Joe the Plumber, hockey moms, or excessive bangs, I hope you can appreciate this video.

As the Alaskan gov goes on about her love for all things joyous and wonderful about the holidays I will direct your attention to Elmer the turkey slaughterer in the background. You can see one full revolution of this turkey killing machine as you watch:

I mean, I don't like Turkey. But I think this alone just makes me hungry.

If this doesn't make you laugh, then you're crazy.

2008-12-16T23:53:00.000-05:00

Please watch until end:

Yea, sorry

2008-12-16T00:49:00.002-05:00

I've been flooded with literally tenths of emails about how I haven't been writing here in well over a month. Hopefully I'll have some time to write over the holidays. So here's some answers to the questions I've been asked.

a) No, I was not kidnapped while in Costa Rica. I did, however, get hit on by a woman who spoke about 10 words of English and was clearly a prostitute.
b) Yes, I am very excited about the Vikings sudden rise. Unfortunately this will lead to only more heartbreak. Again.
c) No, I'm not paying attention to college basketball. UVa fans can gloat all they want about basketball, but I take comfort in the fact that absolutely no one cares.
d) Yes, I still have a job. The commercial real estate world is struggaling, but luckily we're still getting stuff done. Note, this does not mean that my bonus, which would really be a wonderful holiday miracle, will happen.

Some ticker news about goings on in my life:

My mom's company is in Chapter 11. Needless to say some people are going to jail. And by this, I of course mean SOME PEOPLE. This will get a whole lengthy diatribe at some point over the coming weeks.

Costa Rica was a ton of fun. People came up to us offering us drugs. We were literally ten feet away from two cops. They clearly weren't interested.

The Katie and I are looking for a place to live. We found this great place in Dr. Phillips, but apparently we're going to need somewhere with a "shoe room." Whatever that means...

The Vikings are the greatest team of all-time. of this week.

Ryan won his first case. Look at his dreamy lawyering page!

And my personal hero, Baby Mangino, is cleaning up in Deadspin's Sports Human of the Year bracket. Vote early and often people! Although, Chris Berman is sort of hilarious. Check out his video about 222s here:

More in the coming weeks. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for your drink.

Election Results, and How Your Life Will Change

2008-11-05T01:15:00.003-05:00

Well, not to toot my own horn. But toot toot.

Of 51 territories, I only incorrectly predicted 3 (as of 1:20 on Wednesday morning). I had John McCain winning Nevada, Florida, and Virginia. That the red Virginia of my youth would become a purple-ish state after I left is sort of weird.

Our president-elect has a lot of obstacles in front of him, and healing a divided country can be chief among them. In all the hoopla of the election, it can be very easy to get caught up in the thought that a president or a governor can change the way our country works. Barack Obama is an incredibly smart guy. From everything I can tell, he'll make a pragmatic and thoughtful president (which some would argue is a great departure from the last eight years). President Obama will hopefully be an inspired and inspiring president. But he won't change the world, and he won't change your life.

There's only one candidate who can change your life, increase your wealth, and give you the opportunity to succeed in this country. That candidate probably looks very similar to someone you know. And that candidate usually appears when you look up from washing your face.

My Official Election Prediction

2008-11-04T11:37:00.002-05:00

I sized up the candidates yesterday, but here's how today will go down (with # of votes):

Obama Big Wins: 210
Hawaii (4), Washington (11), Oregon (7), California (55), Iowa (7), Illinois (21), Michigan (17), DC (3), Maryland (10), Delaware (3), New Jersey (15), New York (31), Connecticut (7), Rhode Island (4), Massachusetts (12), Vermont (3)

Obama Close Wins: 94
Colorado (9), New Mexico (5), Minnesota (10), Wisconsin (10), Missouri (11), Pennsylvania (21), New Hampshire (4), Maine (4), Ohio (20)

McCain Big Wins: 127
Alaska (3), Idaho (4), Utah (5), Wyoming (3), South Dakota (3), Nebraska (5), Kansas (6), Oklahoma (7), Texas (34), Louisiana (9), Arkansas (6), Mississippi (6), Alabama (9), Tennessee (11), Kentucky (8), South Carolina (8)

McCain Close Wins: 107
Arizona (10), Nevada (5), Montana (3), North Dakota (3), Georgia (15), North Carolina (15), West Virginia (5), Florida (27), Virginia (13), Indiana (11)

This would make the electoral results as follows:

Obama: 304
McCain: 234

Just my guess, let's see how it goes. Remember, my predictions come with a money back guarantee.

Election Preview

2008-11-03T13:08:00.003-05:00

Due to my football prediction prowess, many people have asked me to rundown the presidential election and offer my analysis as to what will happen and what to look for tomorrow. Here’s the tale of the tape:

Height:

Barack Obama – 6ft 1in, a good option at shooting guard on your pickup team

John McCain – 5ft 6in, a good option for limbo

According to medical records, John McCain is only 5’6”. I was shocked by this. Were he to be elected president, he would be the second shortest president in history, leaving only Virginia-born, Virginia-bred James Madison as more vertically challenged. Could this have honestly played into Sarah Palin’s choice as Vice President? She stands only 5’5, and on the campaign trail I can’t imagine it would be flattering to have a 6ft+ VP candidate standing next to Lilliputian McCain. Barack, at 6’1, would be tied for 9^th, standing the same height as Andrew Jackson and Ronald Reagan. Those are two kick-ass guys.

Advantage: Obama

Age:

Obama – 47, young enough to still be changing his kids’ diapers

McCain – 72, old enough to have his kids changing his diapers

“Who do you want answering the phone at 3AM?” It really isn’t fair – Obama is in deep REM sleep while McCain is up for his third bathroom trip of the night.

Advantage: Obama

Hair:

Obama – Close cropped

McCain – Balding Comb over

Not much analysis here. Obama might lose to Hillary in this contest, but not John the Candidate

Advantage: Obama

Eyes:

Obama – Afire with change

McCain – Afire with rage

While change can be good, occasionally we’re going to need our president to stare someone down and strike fear into their hearts. I’m not sure if Obama can do that, but I know McCain can.

Advantage: John the Candidate

Smile:

Obama – Pearly Whites

McCain – Affixed with Polydent

Again, to look at their teeth is really an unfair fight.

Advantage: Obama

Wardrobe:

Obama – Sleek and stylish

McCain – Rough and ready

Each guy has their own style, and I dig it. Obama wears designer jeans and McCain wears jorts. To each his own, I guess.

Advantage: Push

Significant Other:

Obama – Michelle, the outspoken one

McCain – Cindy, the enthusiastic upbeat one

No issues in the looks department here – both of these guys reached out of their respective leagues (I know the feeling). I think that Michelle, while opinionated, could be a bit more of a handful in the White House than Cindy. Although, getting a WH security clearance for a Botox professional can be a bit tricky.

Advantage: Cindy the plumped

Education:

Obama – Columbia, Harvard

McCain – Naval Academy, National War College

Again, it depends on what you’re looking for. I couldn’t have gotten into any of the four, so I’m not much of a judge.

Advantage: Push

Political Experience:

Obama – 3 years in Senate, 8 years in state senate, played a lot of SimCity in college

McCain – 20 years in Senate, 4 years in House

And the less attractive guy gets his revenge.

Advantage: John the Candidate

Business Experience:

Obama – Attorney, President of the Harvard Law Review

McCain – VP of Public Relations for Hensley

Hensley sells beer, the Harvard Law Review is the most cited law review in the US.

Advantage: Obama

Armed Forces Experience:

Obama – Plays Battlefield 2 on the campaign bus

McCain – In the navy for 24 years, more medals than Michael Phelps

It’s also worth noting that Ralph Nader was in the army for one year, 1959.

Advantage: John the Candidate

In the end, it’s Obama’s youthful exuberance against McCain’s aged wisdom. If you actually want to vote based on idiotic things like ideals, policies, and positions, then this analysis won’t be much help. But honestly, who votes on stuff like that?

Bandwagon Blogger

2008-11-02T23:24:00.002-05:00

Since I got my laptop, which makes blogging infinitely easier since I can do it in bed, I have found myself reading many more blog posts than I am writing. I think it's because I'm fascinated by other people's points of view. Some other writers have much more interesting lives than myself, so for me it's a lot of fun to read what they have to say. I think my thoughts are pretty boring, and I know that some of you are regular readers but most of the traffic I get is random google image traf. For me, writing can sometimes be a lot of work, while reading is effortless (if it's good). I've found a few blogs that I'd now consider daily reads, and I'll be adding those to the left in the coming days.

Let's see how this goes.

Exxon reports earnings, PANICK! ensues

2008-11-01T11:20:00.000-04:00

Earlier this week, everyone’s favorite oil giant Exxon Mobil reported the highest quarterly profit for any American company in the history of America and the history of companies. In the three months that constitute Exxon’s third quarter 2008, the company amassed 13.21 billion dollars in profit (not including an asset sale gain of $1.62 billion). With gas prices hitting all-time highs in the third quarter, oil companies were making more money than ever.

Almost as soon as the earnings reports hit the newswire, lawmakers were calling for windfall tax on oil company profits. At its most basic level, a profit threshold would be set for oil companies in a given quarter or year, and any profits over that threshold would be subject to additional tax. (I say additional, because US companies are already taxed. So when you see a record profit like this, unless its an EBIT or some other profit measure, taxes have already been paid.)

But consider this:

Exxon banked $13.21 billion in profit on $137.7 billion in revenues in 3Q08, which is to say that for every $100 in revenue, Exxon made $9.60. Apple also announced their third quarter 08 numbers - $1.07 billion on $7.46 billion in revenue, which is to say that for every $100 in revenue, Apple made $14.34.

Where are the people crying out for Apple's windfall tax?

Of Fortune 500 companies in 2007, Exxon wasn't even ranked in the Top 50 for return on revenues. In fact, two of America's most loved-to-be-hated companies, Exxon and Walmart, both have very average margins. (Walmart has one of the lowest ROR's of any Fortune 500 company - just over 3%. They also had $351 billion in revenue in 2007, so they still made a small profit...)

Before we start injecting government's dirty little fingers into effective and efficient free markets, let's make sure we understand all of the facts.

Mock the Vote

2008-10-29T00:14:00.007-04:00

Barack Obama's a Socialist!
Joe Biden's a liar!
John McCain's senile!
Caribou Barbie just shot my dog!

I'm tired of the attacks, the negative campaigning, and all of the lying liars on both sides. I got so fed up that I did something about it:

I voted son.

I waited 90 minutes to vote. 90 MINUTES. FOR EARLY VOTING. Good lord, don't these people have jobs? Granted, I left mine and stood in line to vote, so they probably did the same. I was really impressed by how smooth the whole process was - they checked my ID, printed my ballot, even gave me my very own cardboard divider so those other fools couldn't cheat off of me.

While in line, I began to think of ways the whole process could be sped up. How about voting on your digital cable? (Press A for Obama, Press B for McCain, hit page down if you want to vote Libertarian, and if you're looking for the green party, remove the batteries from your remote and chew on them until you pass out.) I also think Disney-style Fast Passes would be a fabulous idea for people on a time crunch. Request an appointment with your ballot, walk in, and a walk out.

(Aside: I'm watching Jimmy Kimmel live and Kristen Chenowith is on there. I put her in the same mold as Kellie Pickler - girls who are really cute... until they start talking. I have no problem with girls that have a little twang. After I have a few drinks I get my drawl back too. But if you have that accent AND you sound like you just sucked in a Hindenberg worth of helium, it really makes me want to kick you in your adorable little head.)

Back on topic, I'm relieved that this seemingly endless election is now over for me. When those awful election commercials pop up on my TV, I can rail against them without feeling like a civic slouch. It feels like every other commercial is about McCain, Obama, or that evil ultra-liberal Allen Grayson. I mean honestly, I think he's about to pull his face off and reveal that he's actually Satan.

I was amused by the number of girls in line who dressed as if they were braving a nor'easter to vote. IT WAS 60 DEGREES. There was a girl there dressed in a cute winter hat, north face, jean shorts, tights, more tights up to the knee, then furry boots. Really? It was as if she had gone to vote and The Day After Tomorrow came out of nowhere, she'd be ready to go. If I learned anything from that movie, it was that walking from Philadelphia to New York in a blizzard that's consumed the entire United States isn't just possible, it's downright easy!

I was going to continue on and opine about the financing and fundraising of this particular presidential cycle, but I responded to this post on Copper Boom that pretty much sums it up. Feel free to comment here or there if you've got any beef with my logic.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll actually start to talk about sports.

(This message is paid for and approved by the Whig Party.)

My bye week

2008-10-25T09:14:00.000-04:00

So I got literally DOZENS of concerned emails, phone calls, facebook messages, postcards, carrier pigeons and singing telegrams asking if everything was okay in my life due to my lack of a post last week. I am here to say that last week, apparently, was my bye week. Just as every team in our fair NFL is granted one week to recuperate and strategize for the remainder of the season, I was in a deep state of contemplation for the balance of Week 8 in the NFL. But have no fear, I have a detailed report of the goings-on in my life over that time period.

Claire-Elizabeth, official sister of me, was here for a bit which was great and allowed me to reconnect to my roots a bit. We went to the Farmers' Market in Winter Park, which I highly recommend for anyone in Orlando with free time on Saturday morning. The pasta is supreme. The honey (yes, honey) is the best I've ever had. And for the love of all things holy, if it's the first Saturday of the month, go inside, all the way back and to the right, and buy yourself a loaf of jalapeno/cheddar bread. I've had a lot of bread in my day, but it ranks right near the top. (On par with cheesy biscuits from Red Lobster, which may be the only redeeming quality about Red Lobster.) CE and I saw Body of Lies, the spy flick which actually wasn't that bad. Granted, this is not Leo's best work (how has he still never won an academy award?) and Russell Crowe was sort of pitiful, but the movie was good. The best part about the movie was that my sister and me polished off the entire loaf of bread, not to mention half of a basket of green beans (dry of course).

All the while, I was still trying to allow my foot to heal. As I said before, my foot was literally the size of a basketball. My toes were purple, my guts was pierced, my ribs was all mashed up. But now, I'm getting around better and all is well.

What else, what else. The Katie and I also went to the Farmers' Market this last Saturday, and the dogs in that place are incredible. They are ginormous, and very well-behaved. There was a Saint Bernard there that could have passed for a fuzzy pony. The thing probably weighed 200 pounds!

I'm gonna catch up with a sports post after this week's games, but verily I am alive and well.

For Florida Voters

2008-10-20T13:03:00.003-04:00

Here is a good article on Florida Trend that goes through the ins and outs of the Amendments on the ballot:

http://www.floridatrend.com/article.asp?aID=49809

2008-10-18T22:52:00.001-04:00

Two plays and we can't get one yard. Seriously? Really?

A Scotsman who can't watch movies without yelling at them.

2008-10-18T13:50:00.000-04:00

The Great Foot Caper, Plus Week 6 (sort of)

2008-10-16T15:37:00.003-04:00

Let me set the scene:

I’m in Gainesville, about noon on Saturday, just hours before UF would play LSU in what was the game of the year of the week in the SEC. I’m surrounded by all sorts of inebriation being undertaken by all sorts of people. (Since I left Tech, I had forgotten that drunkenness on gamedays in a football town is not in any way limited to the student body.) There are people all over University - mostly drunkards stumbling around trying to figure out where they can watch the game, if they can remember what school they attend, that is. I look up and see a few cop cars and an ambulance – a sure fire sign that alcohol has played a part in yet another college drama. Then I notice something else that I hadn’t seen before. The sidewalk upon which I was currently walking was not perpendicular but was now parallel to my face. I knew that trouble was afoot. (har har)

I bit it big time. I had scrapes on my hands and on my knee, not to mention a little twinge in my ankle. The Katie sort of helped me up, and we continued to walk with our group. I caught a few stares, I’m sure some were saying “LOOK AT THAT DRUNKIE MCDRUNKERSON, HE CAN’T EVEN STAND WALK!” but I can assure you that this was far from the case. See, I hadn’t had a drink on the morning in question, aside from the outrageous amounts of Diet Coke we had consumed at Tijuana Flats about an hour before. (Aside: The gameday menu at Tijuana Flats in Gainesville is oppressive. There’s like 6 things, and they’re all way more expensive than normal. Plus, you can’t even get a regular size drink.)

So I’m limping off from the scene, thinking that I’ve turned my ankle before and it was NBD. About 10 minutes later, I pulled the wagon train over to the side and said that something had gone horribly wrong. Already, my foot looked like someone had inserted a small tennis ball on the top/outside of my foot. If you know me, then you know that my feet aren’t really normal to begin with. (Think Frodo.) If we are ever on a shoe modeling team together, you’ll probably be very disappointed. If we’re on a cross-country trek with no shoes on, I’ll be the MVP. Suffice it to say that my foot didn’t look good even for my feet, and when you’re saying that, you’re saying something. This put a damper on what was otherwise a really nice weekend in Gainesville. We got to hang out with some girls who I really like, got to meet some new people, even got medical advice from drunk girls I’d never met before. UF beat LSU, avenging Tech’s beatdown in Baton Rouge last year.

(I was talking to a drunk LSU fan at the bar on Friday about LSU’s game in Blacksburg in 2002. LSU fans took over the top floor of a downtown Blacksburg bar and put their flags up, signifying their dominance. Tech fans responded by marching down Main Street 2,000-3,000 people strong. Riot police were called, tear gas was fired, and we won the game. He adamantly refused that it ever happened. I told him it was on SportsCenter. He adamantly refused that it ever happened. He said “One of my friends goes to Virginia, and there wasn’t a riot.” I told him I went to Virginia Tech. He turned and walked away.)

In non-me related news, a driver in Rhode Island was arrested for drunken driving in July, and blew a .491! This was the highest BAC ever recorded in the state for anyone who didn’t die as a result. Note that at .30, severe depression, unconsciousness, and death are possible. At .40, unconciousness is almost certain and death is likely. This guy was nearly at .50! That he didn’t kill anyone else is a blessing, and that he didn’t kill himself is a miracle.

In other non-me related news, Rep. John Boehner’s office was evacuated a few weeks ago when a mysterious package was delivered to his congressional office. When personnel found it was leaking an oily substance, they immediately evacuated and called capitol police. What did the substance turn out to be? The most delicious suspicious package ever.

I have concluded that the NFL should go back to last year and retroactively award Tom Brady another MVP award. Last year, the Patriots were garnering talk of being the greatest TEAM of all-time. After all, no team in history had ever been 18-0 as the Pats were going into the Super Bowl. The fact that they lost that game takes some of the glimmer off, but not much. At times last year, the Patriots looked like they were toying with opponents; it was almost as if someone needed to go into real-life settings and turn the difficulty up. This year, the Patriots look mortal. At 3-2, they’re a late-season push away from winning the AFC east and being back in the playoffs, but they look a far cry from last season’s form. The difference? One dreamy-eyed quarterback. Last season was a rare case in which the best player in the league was also the most valuable. And if the old adage holds true, then Patriot fans’ hearts grow fonder by the day for Tom Brady. It’s almost unbelievable that in the ultimate team game, which I believe football to be, one person could have such an effect. Granted, the Patriots aren’t exactly the same team they were last year. Even with minimal turnover, teams get older and more banged up. But by an large, the only difference between last year’s run at perfection and this year’s above average team is the absence of their franchise quarterback.

I’ll keep my bloviating to a minimum this week, as the pain in my foot has clearly taken away from my ability to write coherently. (This is a reason why this will appear on Thursday, but I’ll backdate it to make it look like Tuesday. After all, I can’t have new readers thinking that I’m a slacker. And anyone reading this now knows this already)

As for 3 up and 3 down, I'm far too self-absorbed this week to think about others. I mean, my foot really hurts.

Week 6 Results:

Virginia Tech looked good in their practice uni, they had the week off. (5-1, 2-1 ACC)

The Vikings, battered, beaten, and embarrassed, somehow beat the lowly lions. God they're awful. (3-3)

My pick in Aunt Jan's pick-em, the Texans, balled out and got me another win. Hey-ooo! (5-1)

The Fighting Ortons reverted back to their normal ways, losing to Brendan's team. (2-4, 2-4 NFL)

Week 7 prediction: I will lay on my couch all Sunday with my foot elevated watching the beautiful game while the Katie rubs my injured hoof with all sorts of exotic lotions and skin butters. And then Charlie Weis will try to eat it.

Dear IHOP Commercials,

2008-10-10T18:22:00.003-04:00

"Fruit Crepe Fever" does not sound like something that I would get at IHOP. It sounds much more like something I would get from drinking pond water in Nicaragua. Fruit Crepe Fever? Really? Is the economy so bad that something that sounds like a tropical intestinal disease is used to attract people to spend money?

The Debate, The Economy, and Week 5

2008-10-08T15:50:00.001-04:00

You guys are all smart people, so let’s start off by playing a little game, SAT analogy style.

Finding $100 in your pocket is to the most exciting part of your day as the second presidential debate is to…

Wait. Sorry. I fell asleep.

Maybe it was the format (idiots asking questions), maybe it was the setting (Tennessee), or maybe it was the fact that it took place way WAY past John McCain’s bedtime (right after Matlock), but watching the debate last night made Under the Tuscan Sun seem like a non-stop action-packed mega thriller. At one point I flipped to ESPN just to see if the WNBA was on. And these two guys are running for the most powerful government position in the history of the World! I put more feeling behind my speech to SGA president in fifth grade at Enon Elementary (which, by the way, I won).

I’m beginning to think that these elections are less about specific positions on important issues and more about which candidate can withstand the onslaught and remain standing. At the end of the 2004 election, both Kerry and Bush looked ragged and tired, like neither had slept in weeks. But G-Dubs seemed to be barely living at the end of the campaign and he narrowly won. Last night, McCain looked confident and steady, but he also looked tired. We’ll see how their looks hold up through the campaign, as we already know what actually becoming president can do to your complexion.

The economy, a major issue in this election, is in the crapper. And to say that is almost disrespecting the toilet, one of the great innovations of the 19^th century that remains almost unchanged from its fundamental structure. For most people my age, the state of the equity and investment market isn’t nearly as important as the job market. After all, without a job, how can you go out after work? If you don’t go to work and you still go out, that makes you an alcoholic. And no one wants to be an alcoholic.

Now is a great time to stay in school, which allows you to continue to go to bars without the annoying stigma. My message to anyone reading this who may be graduating this or next year is this: stay in school! Having a graduate degree separates you from a lot of other people applying for jobs. Specialized degrees are even more valuable, and even in a bad economy that world still needs specialized people doing specialized jobs.

I don’t think that we’re entering a second great depression. (The nice thing about making a prediction like this is that if it doesn’t happen, I can say “I told you so.” And if it does happen, we’ll all be too poor to afford computers and no one will be able to call me out.) The world is much flatter than it was 80 years ago, and as the world gets flatter and communication gets easier, markets become more efficient. Leading up to the great depression, America had become an industrial power producing goods and making money at a torrid pace. But instead of everyone profiting from this productivity and raising standards of living, the proceeds went to a few select groups. When that happened, there was less money out there to buy the products being made. By hoarding the wealth, these savers at the top of the money chain led to their own downfall. A more equal distribution to workers would have led to more goods being bought, which leads to wealth circulation, which is key to any economic turmoil.

The number of power brokers in business has increased exponentially since the 1920’s. With wealth more equitably divided, more people have the financial backing to make money. In one sector or another, money can be made regardless of the state of the outside economy. More people prop up production of in demand goods or services, which brings money in, which pays for production, which injects money into other businesses, and so on. The economy, and almost all sectors within it, work in cycles like this. This didn’t happen in the 1930’s because markets weren’t efficient. Information was shared amongst a select group, and the worker bees had no other options than to do what they’d always done, or do nothing. America has such a highly skilled, trained, and informed population that the likelihood of another great depression is, in my idiot opinion, not likely.

In football news, my Vikings were outgained 2394 yards to 3, surrendered not one but two punt return touchdowns by Reggie Bush, and still somehow managed to beat the Saints on Monday night. Minnesota’s offense was, at times, anemic (to put it mildly). Adrian Peterson could not get his ground game going against what had been a struggling Saints defense. The Vikings offensive line was, well, offensive. Bryant McKinnie, who at 6 foot 8 inches and 335 pounds is one of the girthiest mammals in the league, looked like an incredibly expensive blocking dummy for most of the night. He looked out of shape and unable to deal with a much maligned Saints d-line. The game was decided by costly Saints mistakes and the crafty clutch plays made by 62 year old quarterback Gus Frerotte. He threw two passes that sold me on his starting qb skills. One was a toss-up to two receivers headed to the same place in the end zone that resulted in a Berrian touchdown. The other was an underthrown ball to Berrian downfield that was flagged for pass interference. In reality, Gus probably meant to throw it out front and longer, which probably would’ve either ended up incomplete or intercepted. I’d like to think that he saw the corner had his back turned, and wouldn’t see the ball until it was too late, and that the safety on the play, who eventually was called with interference, had been beaten and would be running to Berrian not looking for the ball. Either way, it’s a game neither team deserved to win, except if Reggie Bush was on your fantasy team.

3 Up:

Jason Campbell – The Redskins QB is the second best in his division right now (ahead of both McNabb and Romo) and his team is one of the hottest in the NFL. Much like the only NFC East QB ahead of him, Eli Manning, he’s not going to be asked to put up Brady-esque numbers and throw the ball 50 times a game. But if he keeps playing this way, he and Manning may get the last laugh in what is unquestionably the toughest division in the NFL.

Reggie Bush – Even in a loss, he looked like the most dynamic player in the NFL this weekend. He should have had 3 punt returns for touchdowns, but he was running so fast that he actually tripped himself up.

North Carolina football – UNC is 4-1 and dee-stroyed UCONN this weekend, setting up a big national game with Notre Dame this weekend. If they can win that nationally televised game, it’ll be a huge boost to recruiting. (I’ve been to a good number of college football stadia in my time, but Kenan stadium at UNC has to be the most beautiful.)

3 Down:

The St. Louis Rams – A bye is no excuse. They play the Redskins next week, so the likelihood of seeing them here again is pretty high. They’re upcoming schedule looks like they might want to get nice and comfortable in the down lounge on theothertyler: at Washington, Dallas, and at New England. Yikes.

Tyrone Willingham – UW is 11-30 under the once celebrated coach. They’re 0-5 this year, and while they’ve played a rough schedule (3 games against ranked teams) they’ve only been competitive in one – the last second joke of a loss to BYU.

Tim “Tom” Tebow – Ricky Jean-Francois said that the LSU defense is going to try to take Teebs out of the game. See also, every other football game ever played. However, when even Frenchmen are taking shots at you, be sure you’re in a high-pressure situation. I’ll be interested to see how he reacts. So far, this season hasn’t been up to par with last year’s Heisman effort. I fear that this mention will mean bad things for him, but I hope not. Considering most of the people who read this blog are girls who go to UF.

Week 5 results:

Virginia Tech kept rolling with another marginal win over a terrible opponent, Western Kentucky. (5-1, 2-0 ACC)

The Minnesota Vikings, fueled by pitiful mistakes made by New Orleans, backed into a win. (2-3)

My pick in Aunt Jan’s pickem, the Chicago Bears, won big over the Lions (4-1)

Wu-tang Financial, led by new starting quarterback of the future Kyle Orton, squeaked out a last minute win (2-3)

Week 6 prediction:

High school football recruits making official visits to UF for the LSU game are pleasantly surprised when a trip to “The Library” involves no books and a lot of taking body shots off of sorority girls.

I can't believe that just happened.

2008-10-07T00:05:00.002-04:00

No post. Just title. How did that just happen.

Well we had a chance

2008-10-06T23:27:00.003-04:00

We just kicked to Reggie Bush. Note that on the two previous punt returns, he ran one back for a touchdown and only his own foot kept him from scoring another. It's like 1.5 punt returns for TD. So let's kick it to him again! TD. Great.

Now Frerotte is hurt, Jackson is in. We're f-ed. I think.

For those of you who thought I made all this up

2008-10-03T10:15:00.002-04:00

From Ruben Navarrette's column on cnn.com:

"Palin loves the camera, and it loves her back. This is her medium, and debates are her forum. She's a natural communicator, cut of the same cloth as Ronald Reagan or Bill Clinton."

EEEEEEEEEEEEK. Maybe they should let her out more often. Clearly the McCain camp doesn't believe that Sarah Palin is as confident in front of the camera as everyone else. The Katie commented that she looked like someone who'd pulled an all-nighter preparing about 10 lines for the debate. Her performance has inspired a wave of new games in the style of the Mel Kiper drinking game. Drink for every "maverick" or "hockey mom" or "small town".

The column is titled "For Palin, a tie is a win". What kind of wussy PC crap is this? Someone wins and someone loses. Either man up and say she did a better job or don't call a winner.

For the love of everything holy and right in the world...

2008-10-02T23:40:00.003-04:00

... stop comparing Sarah Palin to Ronald Reagan.

In CNN's post debate coverage, three different Republican heads have compared Sarah Palin to Ronald Reagan. I know that you're excited. Most everyone in your party's establishment has a Viagra prescription (not the Samantha from Sex and the City type) and you found this woman who is sort of cute in that moose-hunting, hockey mom, "I will put heels on and stomp on your chest" sort of way. But to even consider that they have anything in common other than a very flimsy party affiliation is pure madness.

Ronald Reagan was, hello, a governor of a real state. Sarah Palin is a governor of, hello, a wildlife reserve. Reagan was smart, charismatic, charming, and strong. Palin is, well strong, and has really floopy bangs.

Reagan had a quality that apparently skips every president- he could look you in the eye, tell you anything, and you believed him. This is a wildly important quality to have as president. There's lots of times where I think a sitting president should tell us half the story. Clinton had the same deal. Clinton could flat out lie to you about his sexual activities and you believed him. Reagan could flat out lie to you about Iran and you believed him. John McCain could flat out lie about getting back to Washington in a hurry, and then show up with Katie Couric. Sarah Palin looks you right in the eye, and tells you that she's a maverick.

You can argue for or against the Palin pick as VP, but that's for another post. For now, I'd really appreciate it if everyone would take a deep breath and realize that Sarah Palin is to Ronald Reagan as cockfighting is to seeing Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Which is to say that they're both fun, but not very much alike.

My exclusive review of Eagle Eye, plus Week 4

2008-09-30T18:30:00.001-04:00

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m kind of a big deal. I’m not just a ladies man, I’m a ladies’ man’s ladies’ man. And this generally means that I have no problem getting my way with the womenfolk. Usually, I can charm girls into just staying in and making me dinner while watching football, to be followed by a backrub and a long hot seductive session of GTA4. But every now and then I like to treat my women to a night on the town, complete with a nice burrito (buy one get one free), a drink or two at a bar (either lime or lemon in her ice water), and maybe even a trip to the cinema (matinee, of course).

On Sunday, I ponied up and took the Katie to see Eagle Eye, the new “thriller” starring Shia LaBeouf (which is Shia The Beef in French) and some other white people. This movie only confirmed why I will only pay matinee or student ticket prices to see movies in the theatre. It was sort of like the child of a poor man’s I, Robot with a poor woman’s Enemy of the State. Which is to say that the movie was like a homeless Will Smith, only not as dreamy, and not nearly as interesting as Hancock, in which he was sort of homeless (or at least liked to sleep and drink on a city bench).

Essentially, the movie takes the storyline of I, Robot in that a government created AI supercomputer starts taking control of electronics and eliminating members of the government one by one because it’s in the best interest of national security. Had the players in Eagle Eye seen I, Robot, they would have known that an official on/off switch would have come in handy. But it also would have made the movie about 40 minutes long, so I guess they had to leave that part out. What made this movie frustrating is that this ginormous computer could control all electronics seemingly anywhere in the US. Traffic cameras, security cameras, cell phones, stoplights, and anything else were under this supercomputer’s control. But how? Don’t cell phones work of off cell phone towers? If something or someone were taking over cell phones, wouldn’t you cut off power to the towers? And security cameras are usually operated and recorded on closed loops. How would an external computer be able to scramble the images or delete the videos, as they do in this movie?

I generally like techie thrillers like these, but only if the technology makes any sort of practical sense. In I, Robot, the computer was ordering robots to do everything for it. The central AI had a direct link to them, so it’s not hard to imagine such a scenario taking place. In Enemy of the State, people were tracking Will Smith, Gene Hackman, and everyone else with the use of electronics. For this kind of tracking and electronic surveillance to make sense, real life human people would need to be behind it. Otherwise, it becomes a movie in which a computer runs everything and not even the people responsible for it can stop it (see also, Eagle Eye). In Eagle Eye, I was too busy doubting the legitimacy of the technology to particularly care about any of the characters.

In football news, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE, BRETT FAVRE. Bretty and the Jets trounced the woeful Cardinals this weekend, and the re-incarnation of bayou-born little baby Jesus himself threw 6 TDs. (Of course, the only NYJ WR on my fantasy team had one catch for twelve yards and no touchdowns, but what else is new.) I understand that everyone loves Brett Favre (pronounced FAVE-REE) because he’s just a Mississippi boy who plays football with that aw-shucks “one of the guys” mentality (raise your hand if you’re singing “Mississippi Girl” by Faith Hill right now). But for all of his numbers and all of the passing records he has, I would take a handful of this generation’s quarterbacks over him. He is still a gunslinger (or should I say GUNSLINGER) but in terms of quarterbacking, or you know, actually leading your TEAM to wins, his success is a bit less clear.

Consider this list of quarterbacks: Payton Manning, Tom Brady, John Elway, Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Dan Marino, Joe Montana.

Where do you put Favre in this list?

If you said any higher than 4^th, please let me know and then I’ll know exactly what to get you for your birthday.

3 Up:

Lane Kiffin – He was fired this week. Why is he up? Well now he can get a real job. Like offensive coordinator of my Hokies.

The New York Football Giants – Wait, did they like win the Super Bowl or something? Everyone has been talking about all the other noise in the NFL, and the G-men have quietly gone 3-0 and looked dominant.

The University of ALABAMA – Forrest Gump’s old school is rolling so far. They dee-stroyed Georgia between the hedges this weekend, and looked completely dominant throughout the game. Something tells me that their weasely coach has some football karma coming to him, but for now the Tide are the hottest team in the land.

3 Down:

The Rams – This team will occupy this spot until they win, or actually compete in a game. In four games they’ve been outscored 147-43. Luckily, the prospects look good for St. Louis, as they’re only 3 point underdogs in Week 5 to Bye.

The University – I’m not one of those techies that revels in Hoo demise. I think that a rising tide lifts all ships, as DMX once said. But the hoos haven’t held up their end of 1-a success in the greatest state in the land. Mr. Jefferson’s offense is 120^th in the nation in scoring. Please note that there are 120 Div 1-a teams. They’re eclipsed in total scoring by powerhouses Wyoming, Middle Tennessee, and the always dangerous Florida International. Actually, FIU is really dangerous, but it has little to do with their on the field execution.

The Clemson Tigers – The ACC’s once lone hope for respectability in the new era of expanded conference play, the Tigers have fallen fast, and hard. Their loss to Alabama looks much better now than it did then, but losing to Maryland at home is hardly going to inspire confidence. Will the owners of the ACC title contender status please meet your party at the front?

Results:

Virginia Tech beat Nebraska, a good team in a hostile environment. Roll Hokies! (4-1, 2-0 ACC)

The Vikings are terrible, lost a game they could have won. (1-3, 1-3 NFL)

My pick in Aunt Jan’s pick-em, the aforementioned New York Favres, won. (3-1 BABY)

Wu-tang Financial, in a rare week of confusion, somehow managed to pull out a win notching my first fantasy win of the year, my date last week with Keira Knightley notwithstanding. (1-3)

Week 5 prediction:

The government’s takeover of Tomatobank will cause a worldwide run on ketchup depots, causing the French fry sector to collapse the economy of global deep fryer financing.

Craig Ferguson

2008-09-25T00:47:00.001-04:00

I saw a video on copper boom, and I've been meaning to post this video on here for a while. If you have some time, watch the whole thing. I think it's pretty cool:

Good Lord He Looks Old!

2008-09-24T23:55:00.005-04:00

President Bush addressed the nation tonight, and basically this is what he said:

This whole thing took place because credit was too easy to get, so to fix this whole mess, we're going to make credit easier to get.

Makes sense to me!

When did we become a nation that NEEDED access to credit to grow? Dubs said tonight that the new rules will make it so normal people can borrow money to pay for their houses, cars, and child's education. Here's a good idea. Don't take out loans to pay for these things! No one requires you to have a car payment, or buy a house, or take out student loans. Pay for these things the way Randy Moss does.

Let me make this clear, I never, ever, EVER want to be president. G-Dubs looks about 20 years older than he did when he took office in 2000. Here's a picture of him right before taking office:

And here he is now:

I guess the stress really gets to you in that job.

Free Shipping, Heroes, and Week Three

2008-09-23T15:39:00.005-04:00

For those uninformed souls who actually read this, I recently purchased an HP laptop so I could write and mostly play spore whilst in bed or on the couch. Sitting at my desk is so tiring! It shipped today, and like most online purchases offered 2-7 day business shipping for free. Having ordered a lot of stuff online, I know that sometimes 2-7 day shipping actually can be 2 or 3 days if the product ships from somewhere close. Atlanta is an increasingly important industrial shipping hub, so I thought if it were produced in the southeast somewhere I may actually get my laptop by the end of the week. Then I went onto FedEx’s website to see if luck was on my side:

Received Tracking Information: 10:42 AM
Hooray!
In Transit: 11:03 AM
Great!
From Shanghai CN
WHAT.

HP, like most American companies interested in turning profits, has transferred manufacturing to China. This begs one question: Where exactly in the US could this arrive in 2 Days? Maybe NPPS (Nathan Petrelli Parcel Service) could get it here in that time, but really?

Speaking of which, Heroes started last night, and I’m hooked. The Katie was after me for 2 years to watch the show, so I did – all in the last two months. Netflix online graciously offered to catch me up on the first two seasons, and it has quickly become my favorite weekly show. My favorite aspect of the show is the blurriness from chapter to chapter of the good and evil of characters. Some characters are inherently good and positive, and others you know are just evil people, but week to week most of them jump back and forth. There are flashes of evil and humanity in every character in the show, which is something that allows them to seem like real people.

The Katie and I have spoken many times about abilities we wish we could have. She generally cheats and says she wants to have Peter Petrelli’s power (absorbing everyone’s power). I think it would be cool to shoot pasta out of my wrists. I would go to places where people were starving and simply fill up entire villages with all manner of starchy goodness. A flick of my wrists and you could get bowties, linguine, angelhair, or even macaroni letters. All perfectly cooked, of course.

In really, really painful news, Al Harris of the Packers tore his spleen on Sunday night. This immediately made me ask two questions: a) what is a spleen? and b) how can you tear it? According to webmd.com, the spleen is part of the immune system and helps to filter blood. Seems useful! But apparently it isn’t necessary and is routinely removed when damaged. This is probably the kind of thing 100 years ago that would have been misdiagnosed and probably a cause of premature death.

3 Up -

Mike Leach – Texas Tech’s guru is the coolest cat in town, not limiting his advice to just matters of the field, but also matters of the heart.

Quarterbacks in the Big 12 – Robert Griffin, the stud Baylor qb who has run and passed all over defense so far this season, is poised to become the next big thing in college football. Since when did the Big 12 become the hotbed of college quarterbacks? It used to be that the Pac-10, ACC and SEC were the home of the best qb’s in college football. But this season, Chase Daniel, Sam Bradford and Graham Harrell are all Heisman candidates. Todd Reesing and Colt McCoy are probably first or second round picks. Zac Robinson might be the best qb no one knows, and the aforementioned Griffin is incredible.

The Vikings! – The norse warriors notched their first victory of the season behind a stout defense and the cagey veteran play of 62 year old qb Gus Frerotte. Frerotte is probably best known for celebrating a touchdown by headbutting the endzone wall, promptly spraining his neck. Hey, at least he scored!

3 Down -

Matt Millen – Even with the Ford family’s weird obsession with Millen, he won’t last the season. 0-3 this year and 31-84 overall since he started, Millen has provided no leadership to a once proud franchise. Barry Sanders might be the best football player I’ve seen on TV in this generation, and Millen has run the franchise into the ground.

East Carolina’s BCS Chances – Earlier, I raved over ECU’s chances to bust the BCS party, but they were derailed this weekend with a loss to NC State. Patrick Pinkney is still the real deal, but this loss does help get some credibility back to the ACC.

The Chances of Me Winning my Fantasy League – Wu-tang Financial keeps up its torrid pace by moving to 0-3. Carson Palmer actually had a monster game compared to his first two weeks, but he was still outpaced by my backup JT O’Sullivan, who actually turned in a decent week. Westbrook had an off-game due to injury, and no one else stepped up. At this point, I may drop pretty much everyone on my team and start with fantasy journeyman. After all, it can’t get any worse!

Week 3 Results-

Virginia Tech beat North Carolina mostly because their starting qb got hurt. (3-1, 2-0 ACC)

The Vikings lost, no wait! They won!! (1-2)

My pick in Aunt Jan’s pick-em, the Ravens, actually won! (2-1)

Wu-tang Financial has one more week before the whole team gets blowed up. (0-3)

Bold Week Four Prediction – Government will bail out 49ers by paying Alex Smith’s guaranteed contract after San Francisco cuts him, saying that not bailing 49ers out will be devastating to the economy of the NFL.

Higgs Bosons (maybe), Plus Football Week Two

2008-09-17T18:34:00.000-04:00

Well, as evidenced by my writing on this scarcely read publication, the world has not yet come to an end. Some of you may have been following the first testing of the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland last week and it was thought by some that the shooting and colliding of particles in a 17-mile long underground tube would doom all of humanity. 13 years and over $9 billion have gone into the design, construction, and preparation of the LHC, to say nothing of the enormous costs of operation and analysis of collected data. What’s the main goal of the project? To find (or not find) something that may exist (or not exist) and analyze the results. If what they’re looking for is found, then what does it mean? Well, no one really knows. And if what they’re looking for isn’t found, then questions will come up about the accuracy and sensitivity of said $9 billion machine.

While scientific exploration about things that are known and unknown is all well and good, let’s keep in mind that we DO know a few things that need scientific help right now. There are people starving all over the world, global warming (regardless of its cause) is wreaking havoc on ecosystems, and diseases are going untreated and uncured everyday. Why not take $9 billion and divide it up to solve the actual problems now? A billion dollars would certainly be incentive enough for a group to come up with an all battery car that can be mass produced and never need recharging. How about three billion dollars to the first group who discovers a way to grow arable edible crops in any climate and soil? While these goals are probably 5 or 10 years out, most people could see how this research would be multiples more valuable than hoping to find something you think exists but then having no idea what it means.

In other news, week two of football season proved that the sport has passed baseball by miles as America’s favorite sport. Monday night’s Eagles/Cowboys game took over as the highest rated cable show of all-time. NFL games (all in the last three years) now have the top 3 spots in the rankings, with nary an episode of America’s Next Top Model or Project Runway to be found (which by the way, are my two greatest metro guilty pleasures). Baseball is in the heat of pennant races with under 20 games left in the regular season schedule. Carlos Zambrano of the Cubs, a team fighting for the playoffs and poised for a World Series run, threw a no-hitter this weekend. It was the first for the Cubs, one of sports’ most beloved franchise, in 36 years. It was the 257^th no-hitter in 235+ years of baseball, so needless to say it’s an incredibly rare occurrence. Yet the top four stories on PTI on Monday were all about the NFL, which is WEEK TWO. Nothing special had happened, Tom Brady was still hurt, and there were no outstanding comebacks or sport-altering stories. Yet they all were deemed more important than Zambrano’s no-no. It just goes to show that while baseball might still be America’s pastime, it isn’t the most-loved sport.

Football still has its kinks, even 100+ years after its inception. The Denver-San Diego game was drastically affected by a blown call by one of the NFL’s better referees. It was a call that would have effectively ended the game in San Diego’s favor. After the incorrect call was made, Denver went on to win the game by one. For as much bitching about refs that happens in every sport at every game, most of them do an outstanding job. Officials work under every bit as much scrutiny as the players they officiate. Imagine doing your job everyday in front of tens of thousands in person and millions on TV! You’d probably screw up a lot more than they do. Viewers also have the advantage of multi-angle super slow-motion replays that make it “clear” what the correct call is. Officials have only one angle and an instant to make a correct call in real time and speed. That they get it right as often as they do is pretty impressive.

3 Up:

USC – Uh, they look pretty good. In the white and team colors and pom-poms, the song girls deserve to be ranked #1. Oh, the team looks good too. Complete domination over a fellow top 5 team is always a nice bullet point on the resume.

New England – Insert dreamy backup for dreamy starter, all goes to plan. Don’t look now, but the Pats are on pace to go 16-0.

Brian Westbrook fantasy owners – He continues to be the only bright spot in my otherwise dismal Wu-Tang Financial fantasy team. Plus, if his teammates keep leaving the ball on the one-yard line instead of scoring, it should mean many more TDs for him.

3 Down:

Ohio State – In their last 3 high-profile games against non-conference opponents, the Buckeyes have been outscored 114-41. Even with their best player out, top-tier teams should put up a better fight than they did against USC.

St. Louis – Outscored by 69 points in two games. Hopefully you didn’t have a Ram on your offense or as your defense in fantasy league.

Reggie Bush – According to the Katie, he’s one of the dreamiest players in the NFL. But he didn’t learn his lesson in 06 whilst taunting the Bears in the playoffs going in for a touchdown. The Saints went on to lose that game. Bush did the same thing against the Redskins on Sunday, taunting them while returning a punt for a TD to make it 24-15. The Redskins put 14 points straight on the board, and win 29-24.

Week Two Results-

Tech actually beat Georgia Tech, and T-Mobile looked fairly good in the process. (2-1, 1-0 ACC)

The Vikings lost, again. (0-2)

My pick in Aunt Jan’s pick-em, the Cardinals, actually won! (1-1)

Wu-Tang Financial suffered another miserable defeat, thanks in large part to the play of Carson Palmer. (0-2)

Bold Week Three Prediction – UF/Tennessee game will be delayed when remnants of Hurricane Ike threaten hot dog supplies and force hospitalization of Phil Fulmer

The Real Tragedy at Lehman Brothers

2008-09-15T17:11:00.002-04:00

Lehman Brothers, one of the largest investment banks in the US and the World, has gone all Chapter 11 and declared bankruptcy.

A very good practical explanation of the impacts of this event can be found here.

As so many of these big companies fail, employees at best lose maybe 10-20% of their stock holdings as all Lehman stock is now essentially worthless. But for some misguided employees, as much as 60% of their compensation was in Lehman stock, and while I don’t quite understand why someone would agree to such a deal, those people are hurt the most as the bank is poised to go under. The rank-and-file at Lehman, similar to Bear Stearns, are almost certain to lose their jobs along with benefits and other perks. When these huge banks were running well, being paid in stock and having lots of salary go with em’s probably seemed like a great deal. Now? Not so much.

But just like most scrap heaps and junkyards, the biggest dog of them all sits atop the heaping pile. The unfortunately named Dick Fuld, whose tenure saw an epic rise and then historic fall at Lehman, stands to leave with a massive payday as his former employees struggle to make it. His exit package will be worth, at the very minimum, $22.4 million. This is on top of the $450 million he’s made while CEO of Lehman. Some estimates put his total compensation, including stocks that he’s sold and other income related to his position at Lehman, in the $700 million range.

Wouldn’t it be nice, maybe just once, if some a-hole judge forced ALL of his deferred compensation to go to former Lehman rank-and-file employees?

2 Months Away

2008-09-14T23:19:00.000-04:00

And you thought baseball season was long. It feels like this election has been ongoing for about 3 years (I guess it has?) and frankly, I don’t much care who wins anymore. I’ve talked at length some months back about the most important aspect of this election, Supreme Court nominees in the coming years, but it doesn’t seem like much of a discussion topic. It’s all about Iraq, the economy, and gas prices. Iraq is a mess and neither candidate really knows what will happen or will be needed in the coming months, and the other two issues typically are much bigger than the presidency.

(My coworker sent me a very interesting article, found here.)

The sad fact is that one of the most important events in my lifetime will take place in November, and I really could give a rip about any of the election coverage going on now. Every night, some idiot on Fox News is yelling about Barack Obama doing this or that, or some blowhard is CNN taking shots at Sarah Palin. Blah, blah, blah. The reality is that the election is a crapshoot. It’s like having a presidential draft where the first pick is all that matters- you get some Peyton Mannings, and you get some Courtney Browns. No one actually knows what’s going to happen, so I don’t much see the point of fighting about it. The goal of a politics is to get elected. The next goal? To get re-elected.

I personally enjoy electing the better looking ticket almost all of the time. My thought is that better looking people, if nothing else, will seem more composed and together. John McCain asked who you [we] wanted answering the phone at 3 am. If that phone call is immediately followed by a press conference in pajamas, then we can see who should be president. And unless the dream Underwood/Swift ticket that I so desperately need comes to pass, I think we need to take a very critical and superficial look at this election.

John McCain seems like a nice, genuine guy. But I highly doubt he’s going to win any beauty contests anytime soon. The advantage here is that John McCain is usually up for his third bathroom trip of the night around 3 am. Of all the candidates, he’s the most likely to be up at this time. Maybe they should install said phone at Cracker Barrel, and I’d really feel safe with President McCain. As old white guys, he balances up looks-wise with Joe Biden. And while Mr. Biden doesn’t hold a candle to his running mate, he is head and shoulders more attractive than McCain, who looks like all of the family’s plastic surgery budget was spent on his far-too-young and far-too-attractive wife.

Old White Guys – Advantage Dems

The main event to the aforementioned attractiveness undercard is Barack Obama vs. Sarah Palin. Barack just looks like he oozes cool. He’s a very attractive guy- tall, chiseled face, and the image of Obama smoking a cigarette outside of the Capitol is one of the coolest looking carcinogenic photos I’ve seen in a while. Sarah Palin is a different kind of attractive. A mother of five, she looks fabulous for the total lack of sleep she must have continued to get while her kids were growing up. Bangs aside, I would definitely give her two looks, if it weren’t for the threat of imminent death by handgun that I’m sure she keeps in her bosom. Ultimately, my heart tells me to go with Barack and make it a blue sweep here, but having looked at the Palin family photo, I have to give points to daughters who are somewhat cute and obviously promiscuous. I wouldn’t mind seeing Sarah Palin or a few of her daughters in the executive branch (or ON my execu…. Well you know).

Young Non-White Guys – Push

In the end, the fact that John McCain’s face literally hurts my stomach to look at decides the election. I just can’t fathom having to hear and see McCain give a State of the Union address. For purely superficial reasons, I’ll give the edge to Barack Obama in this election. He just looks good: he’s young, vibrant, articulate, and handsome. He doesn’t look like someone tried to grate his face as they would a fresh parmesan. And he looks like someone who may be up at 3 am because he was hanging out with Myles Davis all night, or had a VIP seat in the Adande Lounge.

And lastly, I’d like to apologize to everyone for all the news I’ve been causing. I had no idea that Bristol’s mom was running for Vice President, and I certainly didn’t know she was 17. It’s 10 degrees up in Alaska! You get a little cold, disrobe to create some body heat, start to bundle up, and the next thing you know you’re the lead story on the nightly news.

3 Up, 3 Down Football Style

2008-09-09T11:32:00.005-04:00

AH football.

Great philosopher Sophocles once said, “There are two types of people in the world. Those who watch football, and those who lead miserable, boring lives.” While I think his stance is a little harsh, suffice it to say that I am a member of the former group.

This weekend was officially week one of the football season. Yes, I know that college football didn’t start this weekend, but to me the season starts when I can watch football at least 4 days each week. The season even gets better later in the year when teams from meaningless conferences like the WAC and the Mountain West get so desperate for ratings that they throw their games on Wednesday and Friday nights, leaving only Tuesday night for other trivial things like calling my parents, checking in on my friends, and spending some quality non-football related time with the Katie.

The start of football season is the ultimate catharsis; I wake up more refreshed, run a little harder, and eat a little better during football season. Some people do spring cleaning, I do fall football. It’s like a small worm, born of the Super Bowl and the start of recruiting season. He stirs in his cocoon on national signing day, again on draft day, and slowly starts to weave out of his snuggly home, becoming a full fledged beautiful butterfly once the season is underway. He then flies around for the next five months, keeping watch over football fans and making sure, year after year, that he does whatever he can to ensure that none of my teams ever taste football glory.

As a Vikings fan, bitterness comes with the territory. Minnesotans are hard-living, devoted people, and it’s a damn good thing because only those people could love a team that disappoints year after year the way they do.

Anyway, with the start of football season will hopefully come more activity on here, and with that in mind I give you 3 up and 3 down for this first official week in football.

3 Up –

East Carolina – Good Lord. I didn’t think the win over my beloved Hokies was as much of an upset as everyone seemed to think. We’d lost pretty much all of our good players, and our two best players were Red-shirted at that time (Tyrod Taylor aka “T-Mobile”) and hurt (Macho Harris aka “Macho Harris”). We didn’t deserve to be ranked preseason. But they spanked us good. Then they went out and CRUSHED WVU, which was hilarious. Now they’re ranked 14^th, and I hope they colossally screw up the BCS and go undefeated.

Girlfriends/wives/significant others of football fans – Why is football season a good thing for you ladies? Two examples from the last two weeks – First college weekend I was watching us get rolled by ECU when the Katie said she wanted to go to Target because we both needed a few things. I give her the debit card. The rest, as we say, is in the pockets of Target shareholders. This last weekend, I got suckered into going outlet shopping with 4 girls. Luckily, another boyfriend was there so we skipped out to a bar and watched football for three hours while they shopped. Everyone wins.

NFC Upsets – The Panthers over the Super Bowl pick Chargers? The lowly Bears over the mighty Super Bowl pick Colts? I think we all know what this means. I can feel better about myself when the Vikings go 6-10 because they clearly play in the superior conference in professional football.

3 Down –

Tom Brady fantasy owners – Oops. What may have been the safest pick in the entire draft now becomes an instant drop. Granted, he is the dreamiest player in the league, and going home to Gisele would probably speed my recovery too, but for fantasy owners this is a true dagger. For the record, I had ACL reconstruction in January of 2005, and I never played another down in the NFL.

The ACC – If not for a last second field goal to garner a Wake Forest win, the ACC might have lost everything. 2 ranked teams (#19 Wake and #23 Clemson) and no profile wins to show for the first weeks other than Florida State’s last second TD to beat Western Carolina 69-0. Maybe Tech can do what they always do – win the division, squeak by in the conference championship, and then get hammered by a team from a real conference like the MAC or Conference USA.

Officiating – Last night, there were 21 penalties in the Vikings game, 10 in the first half. Twice, there were penalties on three consecutive plays- once on Green Bay, then on Minnesota. Then, it was as if they’d reached their quota as Minnesota receivers were mugged on two occasions by Green Bay defenders with nary a flag to be thrown. Dubious calls persisted throughout the college game as well, including the worst game-changing call I’ve ever seen in the Washington-BYU game on Saturday. If you’re interested, you should look it up. Refs are there to officiate and ensure fair competition, not to be a part of it. The Katie even said she’d make me my own flag so I could throw it if needed. NICE.

Week One Results-

Virginia Tech beat South Carolina 4A High School Runner-up Furman. (1-1)

The Vikings lost, go figure. (0-1)

My pick in Aunt Jan’s pick-em, San Francisco, lost. (0-1)

Wu-tang Financial, my fantasy team, also lost (Thanks Carson Palmer!). (0-1)

Banner week, but I’ll take whatever football I can get. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the remote.

Remembering a friend

2008-09-08T15:38:00.002-04:00

I’m not sure what the breakdown of people who read this is exactly, but a lot of us lost a good friend last month who was smart, funny, and beautiful. Amongst all the stories that people told about Rosalynn over the past weeks, one of my own probably sticks out the most in my mind.

A few months before she passed, Ros and I went out to breakfast while everyone else was out doing their various Saturday morning things. Besides our love of Jeopardy and gangster rap, we shared one common goal: telling really stupid jokes. That morning, shared at some god-awful all you can eat breakfast place on University, was essentially a manage-a-deux of lame one-liners, sports, and coffee cup philosophy. Even then, when unbeknownst to us her time was beginning to fade, she was full of life. Her brain was every bit as sharp, even if the vocal manifestation had slowed down. It was one of my favorite moments with Ros: just her and I BS-ing about whatever popped into our heads. Good thing there were only about 10 people in there, because had anyone heard us talking they would have been sorely confused.

EDIT - I wrote this a long time ago, but always wanted to go back and add to it. After reading it today again, I think it sums up exactly what I love and will miss about Rosalynn.

June 18? Really?

2008-08-10T23:44:00.002-04:00

So apparently it's been a while since I last opined here. So much has happened in the past weeks that I couldn't possibly address and smart-aleckedly comment on all of it here, but suffice it to say that a lot has happened.

There were a bunch of highly unimportant things that happened, which I may touch on in the coming days. One thing that I will talk about when I have the appropriate time and energy is the loss of a good friend. Suffice it to say that the things I usually blabber on about are minor in comparison.

I am going to attempt to update and write more often. Sometimes I feel like sharing my thoughts with the 3 or 4 of you who actually read this. So for those of you who have told me you've read back through, I appreciate it.

SAT Analogy: "Aracnophobia" is to most people as "Jon and Kate Plus 8" is to Tyler

2008-06-18T21:38:00.004-04:00

Yea I know the kids are cute. I get it. You know what else I know?

There's 8 kids. 10 people in one nuclear family. Unless you live on a farm and need the help, you're trying to field an AL baseball team, or don't want to bother with another team playing full court basketball, there is no reason on Earth why I'd ever see anything positive about having 8 kids.

Granted, they didn't plan this. For those uninformed souls, Jon and Kate plus 8 is on TLC and is the story of a family who had 2 twin girls. Then decided that one more kid would be fantastic. Instead of one more kid, they got sextuplets. Three boys and three girls, plus the two older girls equals 8. 8 kids. They don't drive a suburban because there's not enough seats. Exactly.

This post brought to you by Levitra ®

2008-06-17T22:05:00.004-04:00

Oh what a week can bring. The Katie's back stateside, one of my BFFFLs has returned to his homeland (sort of) ((well sort of his homeland, not sort of returned)), moved desks at work, where my workspace actually EXPANDED despite now sharing a big cube, amongst all other sports happenings. But first, a rant!

I don't care about your erectile dysfunction. Really, I swear. Every time I see a commercial for one of those wonder-drugs, my fist just starts to ball up and tries to drag my body in the direction of the television. I'd rather see one of those period commercials, complete with bloating, than another ED commercial. Although, I could see the potential for an NFL-Levitra-Goodyear partnership:

This commercial details what you can do with the other 3 hours and 55 minutes, I'm almost positive. It'd be a little hard (yea, I said it) to play catch with someone else whilst sporting a kickstand. What sports could you really play with someone else in that situation, besides imaginary quidditch?

I also expanded my illegally downloaded music library, mostly with songs from two hotbeds of musical talents: awful youtube covers of good songs and Grand Theft Auto. For any GTA haters out there, I'd like to remind you that it requires an enormous amount of critical thinking to play that game. There's missions that really take some thought, except for the one where Nico goes to Sunday School to hear about how evil everyone else is. That mission, much like real life, is pretty straightforward.

Speaking of people going to hell, Ryan hasn't commented in a while.

I was informed by the significant other of the aforementioned author of threestripes that I have turned him onto blogging, and presumably off of her. I would like to remind her, if she or anyone in a similar circumstance is reading this, that it is DOCUMENTED that people who write and express themselves in creative ways are more likely to be expressive in other ways, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (sex.) If this isn't documented, it should be. And if someone finds it, please sent it to tylermeyer@gmail.com and I'll definitely send it along to the appropriate parties.

In wishful thinking news, the United States has the greatest national soccer team in the entire universe. We beat Barbados 8-0. We won by 8 goals! That's a bigger margin of victory than the Miracle on Ice and World War 2 combined, so I'm pretty excited. I'll make a prediction right here: the USA will win the World Cup in 2010**. We have it all - the coach, the superstar in Jozy, the coach's son, the dreamy-eyed keeper in Brad Guzan, the midfielder who looks like an elf in Landon Donavan (Billy Packer would definitely call him Landon Dunnivin), not to mention that we're the greatest country on Earth.

** This prediction is subject to no other good teams making it, and the World Cup actually is a 3 week contest where we only play teams from the Caribbean over and over again. (Does not include Cuba)

Maybe more from me tomorrow, but in the meantime, I will leave you with some youtube fodder. This may be the greatest mascot performance of all time (Note, sound is not necessary, and is honestly annoying, but watch to the end.)

Last Euro Thought

2008-06-12T23:27:00.001-04:00

AW WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE DAMN SWISS!

Ed McMahon loses home, everyone else loses mind

2008-06-12T09:42:00.003-04:00

In case you haven't heard, Ed McMahon, the guy who shows up at people's houses with million dollar checks and used to be Johnny Carson's sidekick, is going through foreclosure proceedings on his house. This buffoon went on Larry King Live painting himself a victim of the sub-prime housing mess. They talked about deceiving mortgages, renegade lenders, and the American dream. Working in real estate, I've read a thousand articles about the need for government intervention in foreclosures. Both sides of the equation, borrowers and lenders, are looking to the government (TO US) to help them pave over their mistakes.

Like so many others losing their homes to foreclosure, Mr. McMahon is a DOPE. He's a milionaire who can't afford his mortgage payments. Here's an idea: don't have a mortgage! Contrary to popular belief, you actually don't need to borrow money to buy a house. There's this wonderful thing called money, and you can actually use it to buy things outright. If you're reading this saying "Well taking out a loan for a car or house is smart because you can earn a higher return than it costs to borrow that money," then you're a DOPE too.

Consider this scenario: You want to buy a $500,000 house, and you have the cash to do it right now. You're either going to pay cash for the house, or take out a 100% LTV loan for the house (meaning you borrow the entire 500k, not reasonable, but for argument's sake.) You could then invest your money in a stock fund that will earn you 9% over the life of your investment. Pretty sweet huh? The loan rate is 6%. The payments on this would be just under $3,000 a month. Honestly, you can't afford a 500,000 dollar house, so you'd need to use the gains from your investment to help make your payments. You'd get that sweet spinoff from your $500,000, which assuming you took the gains out every month, would be $3,750. But then you pay taxes on that as short-term gains, which for argument's sake is 1,000. So now your mortgage is costing 3,000 each month, and your investment is paying 2,750. Anyone see something amiss?

Another factor not considered when taking out a loan is risk. Whenever you borrow money, risk is introduced into the equation. In Ed McMahon's case, injuries prohibited him from working, which he needed to do to continue upkeep on his mortgage. Certainly he couldn't have seen these injuries coming when he made the loan, but unforseen circumstances are always a part of any decision. Had he paid for his home with cash, he never would have made the news for potentially losing his house. HE WOULD OWN IT. When you own something, you never have to worry about paying for it. Granted he still had to pay taxes and other house-related expenses, but the bank was never going to knock on his door telling him to GTF-out.

Buying a house is a huge deal, and if you can afford it a house has many benefits that go beyond financial ones. But anyone who signs (or allows someone to sign) on the bottom line without understanding all the details deserves exactly what they have coming to them. In some cases that might be losing a house. In the bank's case, it might be losing a loan. Either way, each only has themselves to blame.

My Euro predictions

2008-06-09T09:44:00.003-04:00

Originally posted on Dave's facebook wall after a few beers yesterday:

"When it comes to picking my winner amongst the favorites for Euro 2008, I let history be my guide. Portugal has the longest standing alliance in the world, but it's with England who didn't qualify. I can't pick a team that associates with losers. Germany and Italy were run by Facists in the last 100 years, France just gives up all the time, and Turkey, while delicious, makes you sleepy. As for defending champ Greece, I loved them the first time but Greece 2 was horrible. Subbing Michelle Pfeiffer for Olivia Newton-John was a horrific decision. I'll go with Spain, the country that gave us tapas, Puerto Rico, and Julio Iglesias. They're a good team in a horrible group, and I like them to break through. I do like England to come out of Group E, which is of course the group for teams that didn't make it into Euro 2008."

"Look at that glorious World Cup." "Adu me on it!"

2008-06-09T09:05:00.002-04:00

The world cup is only 2-ish years away and I'm already pumped.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

When it comes to team sports that actually matter, the USA is the mack-daddy of pretty much everything. You've got the Dream Team, the USA women's softball team (which we beat, BTW), the greatest football and baseball players in the world, and I heard that our Coast Guard water polo team is fairly decent.

Soccer has been our bugaboo in this regard. The US has never really shown up for a major international competition. Sure, we've beaten Mexico a couple of times in CONCACAF competition, but most of their best players were working in America. And we beat Canada all the time, but you try playing soccer in the snow. (It snows year-round in all of Canada, for those of you who are uninformed.) We almost beat Germany that one time 15 yearsish or so ago, and I think we scored on Brazil once. But now, for the first time, I honestly think that the US can go toe to toe ("toe to toe" is very hard to type psychologically. Open up notepad and try it.) with top flight competition in the world. Last night's 0-0 draw with Argentina (the #1 ranked team in the world) showed that there should be a lot of optimism about the US team.

We finally have a coach (Bob Bradley) who approaches the game as a manager, not as a showman (cough cough Bruce). We have a world-class keeper in Tim Howard who can cover up some shaky defending when the need arises. He made two incredible saves in one sequence last night after Onyewu totally blew it. I think that Heath "Franklin" Pearce is our best looking defender (in the soccer sense) and has had a solid run of friendlies. The combo of Beasley and Donavan in Midfield could prove to be deadly as they both add a tremendous amount of energy and skill. But the real story last night was second-half sub Freddy Adu, who in bits and pieces looked like the best player on the field.

There was so much promise when Freddy burst onto the scene at 14, playing with grown-ass men on an international level. He hasn't lived up to much of the hype. But if last night was any indication, we may be in for a treat in 2010. He brazenly carried the ball through the Argentine midfield, something no other US player would have dared to do.

In one sequence, Landon Donavan (who many would consider the best American player) dumped the ball to Adu, who spun out of trouble and knocked the ball upfield dribbling through and around defenders. He got to the box, where he was met by three players, and tried to take all three on while making an attempt on goal. While all this was happening, the US attackers were seemingly sprinting to catch up to the play. It was as if they'd employed the Kobe Bryant offense: just give Freddy the ball, make a sandwich, and sit back and watch. It was the most energy either team had shown at one time all night, and the most energy anyone from Team USA has shown since Brandi Chastain.

All in all, the performance was a good one. Granted it was at home, in front of the largest crowd to ever see an international game on US soil, but a draw to the best team in the world is always better than a sharp stick in the eye. Let's keep our feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars, but I think there's plenty to be excited about in the years to come.

I'm a father!

2008-06-09T07:52:00.000-04:00

I'm so proud today, as I became a father for the first time. Just hours ago I witnessed mother and my daughter, Honor Marie, together in the hospital. This is truly a blessing and thanks to everyone for your support!

Re: Monday

2008-06-03T07:36:00.001-04:00

You ever have one of those days where you just want to go out on the street, in the middle of a busy intersection, stop traffic in all directions, and just start lobbing fireworks at cars? Or go up to the driver's side door of the Land Rover in front of you, open the door, undo the seatbelt, pull them out, and throw them uncerimoniously to the ground in classic GTA sytle? Or one of those days where you actually wouldn't mind someone trying to intimidate you into giving them all of your money, only you can clearly see they're using an easy bake oven knife and looking very very nervous, for the sole purpose of beating them into the ground?

Uhhhh yea, I never have those days either. Especially not yesterday. Definitely not.

I haven't talked to The Katie since she left on Thursday. Our only communication has been the daily email, which I guess is better than nothing, but still seems very 2-d. (I'm a big fan of picking up the phone and calling someone. Voice, intonation, inflection, all positive qualities of a phone conversation. I can hear when my jokes aren't funny on the phone, but it's so hard to tell over email... Especially now, in the cell phone age, picking up the phone and calling someone is easier than ever. Cell phones rank right up there with Diet Mountain Dew, free amateur ~~por~~ photography sites, and the away goals rule as the greatest creations of all-time.)

Yesterday was really topped off on the drive home, when I was behind a Land Rover who was going somewhere in the neighborhood of 30-ish on Orlando's busiest surface street. The speed limit was circa 40, which means everyone generally goes 50. Eventually I pulled up next to him to turn onto my street, and this db was talking on his cellphone (with a cool bluetooth thing, gosh he's important!) AND TYPING ON HIS BLACKBERRY while driving in the left-most of four lanes of traffic all going 15-20 mph faster than he was. It was the first time I've ever wished that Grand Theft Auto were a real game.

Alas, the night was saved by a glorious Twins victory at the hands of the Yankees, and one of the best hockey games (and performances) I've ever seen. Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals was last night, and I believe that my previous sports mancrush on Christiano Ronaldo has been replaced by Marc Andre Fleury:

Time to go to work, but more later today on why I think Rick Ankiel's life could be the greatest book ever made, except for the Bible maybe, oh and the fourth Harry Potter.

Monday

2008-06-02T14:55:00.001-04:00

I'm honestly having one of those days that make me long for home.

My female life

2008-05-30T09:51:00.003-04:00

I had an hour long conversation last night with a friend who needed a guy's perspective on a relationship issue. At some point during the conversation, this paraphrased compliment was hurled my way:

"I love talking to you about relationships because you're just as much girl as you are guy."

At first I was flattered, then unsure, then flattered again. A lot of my experience in relationship matters is a result of my own, but a good bit is also the result of growing up around girls. For a straight guy, I certainly had a lot of good girl friends. Thinking back to my school days, almost all of my really good friends were girls. In middle school, I hung out with some guys (one of whom is the annoying ass one that posts asinine comments all the time) but my other good friends were all girls. In high school, almost all of my best friends were of the xx variety. In college, I lived with a girl who was and is one of my best mates. In all of those situations, I was the "male voice" when they had questions. Fending off their hypothetical inquiries allowed me to become better in my own relationships, but also allowed me to help others with their issues.

I think that nothing can be better for a guy than to grow up in a family with really strong women. My mom is probably the strongest one I've ever met. She can be very warm and motherly and then turn around and kick someone's ass. She was the main bread-winner in our family, and she definitely set the tone of the house. My sister is also incredibly independent and has those same qualities of warmness and ass-kickingness. It prepared me well for being in a relationship.

When I see girls at the bar waiting to be noticed, or hear of girls on the Levin or Darden plans, it makes me cringe. If you're honestly just sitting around waiting for a boy to notice that you're really pretty and smell nice, then most of the guys you would want are not going to come around. I've seen it with so many of my friends: they don't understand why all the boys that are attracted to them are players and creeps when they meet at (or behind) a bar at 12:30 in the morning. These are nice, pretty, smart, normal girls who do things that have adverse results.

If you're a nice girl looking for a nice boy, you're probably not going to find one at the bar. You can pretend to study in the law library til you're highlights fade under the fluorescent light, but it won't make much difference. If you want to find a nice boy, here's my suggestion: go out and do something! Go volunteer at a school, or join a service fraternity, or go to work. There's masses of people out there who enjoy doing anything and everything. You probably have a much better chance of meeting someone you click with while doing something you love.

I met my girlfriend at a summer camp for gifted kids. The fact that we were both wanting to be in an un air-conditioned environment with 10-13 year olds for eight weeks probably meant that we had a lot in common. Admittedly, I was a head counselor so I had air-conditioning, but you still get what I'm saying.

YIKES

2008-05-22T00:03:00.002-04:00

It's been almost two weeks since I wrote in this thing, and honestly I've missed it. Life's been crazy and there's been too little time to do everything, much less get it all in writing. Some of the things I've done in the last two weeks:

- Turned 24
- Flew back to VA (boy are my arms tired?)
- Attended a dance recital
- Attended another dance recital
- Had a "birthday" "breakfast"
- Flew back to Orlando
- Watched the first two Harry Potter movies
- Was blinded by salt water at 60 mph on a jetski
- Almost died on said jetski
- Worked like all get out
- Sang like no one was listening
- Slept like no one was watching (because that's just creepy)
- Danced like I was auditioning (per usual)

Part of the reason it's been so long is because my laptop officially died. The poor gateway that I bought just before going to Tech in June 2002 will no longer turn on. It says its turning on, but not so much. By the time I got it fixed I may as well just shop around for a new-to-me laptop. Honestly, I need it to be wireless, have a working battery, and not be broken. All the ones on craigslist, etc. are either brand new ones or much nicer than i need for $400+ or laptops for parts at like 75. Something in the 200 dollar range would be be-a-utiful.

I don't know why, but I've always written better while in bed. There's something about the comfort of being, well, really comfortable, that allows my thoughts to get up and out. The rare exception to this is a little thing I like to call the May Day Miracle

April 30, 2006 - I was enrolled in a corporate finance class at Tech and one-third of our grade was based on our individual semester-long research paper. There were bits and parts of extraneous stuff due throughout the semester, but the bulk of that one-third was solely this 15 page paper turned in on the last day of classes. Miraculously, I had then entire paper done 2 whole days ahead of time. It's Sunday afternoon, the paper is due on Tuesday morning, and my printer is out of ink. "No worries," I said to myself outloud, "I'll just go to the Emporium and print this out."

(For those of you who didn't go to Tech, this is a giant-ass computer lab, with 1000+ comps. People go there to study, do work, or wear their sorority shirt and pretend to do work while actually trying to score a date for formal.)

I read through it and realized something: I HATED it. Not just didn't like it, but I was embarrassed that I had pieced that piece together over a semester. It was disjointed and overall gross-sounding. Now my A in this class was pretty solid, considering that I'd done pretty well on everything else. It was my pride on the line, so I did what any normal almost graduating senior would do in this spot. I went over to Starbucks, ordered a quad, came back, and started the entire paper over.

With the exception of 3 Starbucks trips, a few bathroom breaks, and walking home to wash my face and brush my teeth, I wrote for 15 straight hours. I was in the zone like never before, never since, and I doubt ever again. When I was done, I knew I'd liked what I'd written, but I was too tired to read it. I ended up getting my Mom to read through it, she liked it, and I ended up with a 98 on the paper and an A in the class. This is forever known to me as the May Day Miracle.

I'm now 24, which doesn't really feel all that different than 23, with the exception of having birthday gift cards in my wallet.

Going back to VA was a lot of fun, I got to see my sister dance (in a recital, not on stage. Well it was on stage, but a big one). I also got to reminisce with a friend at Dave's grad party about one of the more awkward nights of my life. Come to Orlando, buy me a drink and I'll tell you the story.

It's late, but I'm going to try hard to get back into the habit of posting. In the meantime, if you'd like to donate to a good cause, I'd recommend buying me a used laptop.

Prada shoes, puppies, and Derek Jeter

2008-05-08T23:36:00.004-04:00

You may be thinking, "Prada shoes, puppies, and Derek Jeter. What on Earth can those three things have in common?" Well for one, they're all on Ryan's list of things to get before he dies. But aside from that, they're all things that most women on Maxim's new 100 Hottest Women have had in the past.

Apparently, Mr. Jeter has been a busy boy since he came into the league. In a sport where hitting .300 is the mark of success, Derek is hitting .060, which is by far the best in the league (and maybe in the world). He has dated 6 of the 100 Hottest women in the Milky Way, by far the most associated partner.

Granted, most of these lists are utterly ridiculous. How could you possibly have seen every woman? I saw better looking girls this weekend than Scarlett Johansson, who allegedly is top 10 material. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty and all, if you're into that sort of thing.

Honestly though, I have some huge issues with objectifying women in such away. And if you're going to objectify, at least get it right. Consider last year's list:

#1 - Lindsay Lohan - If I'm putting together a fantasy drug team, she's my first pick.
#10 - Fergie - I could argue for this Fergie in this spot, but not the one they meant.
#14 - Katherine Heigl - The first underrate. I mean, if it weren't for Kate Walsh, she'd have been by far the hottest person, or at least woman, on Grey's Anatomy.
#15 - Avril Lavigne - HONESTLY?
#20 - Kiera - In the words of the great American philosopher KRS-1: I'm not saying she's #1, oh I'm sorry I lied. She's #1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.t

Other travishamockery rankings - Kate Hudson at 27, Jennifer Garner at 35, Kate Walsh at 52, Halle Berry at 55, and Danica at 69. Whoever ranked any of these women this low should be shot. Then buried. Then dug up and shot again for good measure.

I'm tired. To bed. I promise tomorrow I'll talk about Rick Ankiel. In the meantime, read this.

So that happened...

2008-05-07T21:57:00.009-04:00

After literally dozens of voicemails and calls from concerned readers, I have re-emerged to actually post to this here thing. As many of you know, Katie (or as I call her, the Katie) graduated this weekend. There was much celebrating both her emancipation from collegiate servitude, and the anniversary of her exodus from the womb. As a general rule, I don't much celebrate my birthday much, just because large celebratory gatherings are not my thing. I'd prefer to do what I did last year for my birthday - go to work, come home, eat dinner by myself, and watch American Idol.

So I was in Gainesville for most of the time since my last post, but fear not faithful readers, I'm back and better than ever. Or at least back.

In American Idol news, this week kind of sucked. I'm glad Jason Castro got kicked off, but seriously how kickass would Michael Johns, David Cook, and the pre-pubescent wonderboy be? That'd be a great fight too, because the Aussie would finally take care of the PPW for good.

In work news, my boss had a funny encounter today with a woman on the phone. She claimed to be a representative of a pension fund with 280 billion dollars in assets. For reference, CalPers, the largest pension fund in the US and one of the largest in the world, has 240 billion. She said she was interested in receiving information for her clients. Who were they? Well, she couldn't tell. But they were really important. The boss told her that he wasn't going to give her info without knowing who her clients were, to which she responded "YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE!"

Five minutes on google revealed that the woman who represented a 280 billion dollar pension fund... works out of her apartment in Pasadena. Interestingly enough, she also runs (and is the sole employee) of a company that does, well, it does something. Everything is in very broken English and they do consulting of some kind. It's amazing what people will try to get away with on the phone. It also makes me wonder if anyone has actually fallen for this garbage.

In election news, PLEASE DEAR GOD JUST ANOINT SOMEONE AS PRESIDENT.

In Taylor Swift news, apparently she thinks that emo boys who wear eyeliner (excuse me, guy-liner) are hot. Minus 5 points Taylor!

In Kiera Knightley news, she's going to be in a new movie about Dylan Thomas which comes out in late June. Methinks that if he had someone who looked like this -

- he wouldn't have been so angsty. Rage, rage against the wearing of the blouse!

More tomorrow when I offer my exclusive analysis of Rick Ankiel's total and utter domination of those trying to get to third base.

Speaking of trying to get to third base...

Because I can.

Youtube cute Chelsea kid fan of the week

2008-05-01T13:31:00.006-04:00

In Europe, players will customarily bring young fans out on the pitch before the game for introductions. A diehard Chelsea fan of about 5 meeting a player from Liverpool. Adorable hilarity ensues.

Three up, three down

2008-04-29T23:49:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting, faithful readers. I've been busy pleading with EA Sports to put someone other than Brett Favre on the cover of Madden '09, because I refuse to buy it otherwise. Plus, they'll probably say it's coming out, then it's not, then it is, then it's not, then it will at the last minute.

In the spirit of free time and the majesty of spring, I've decided to put together a power ranking of sorts. We're going to call this three up and three down. Judging by the name, and I know all of you are my smart little lads and lasses, this exercise will consist of three things looking to come up trumps, and three things looking head-first into the dumps. It's like Best Week Ever meets the Spanish Inquisition. I think.

THREE UP:

Hardcore-Ass Runners -
I mean, this is hockey player territory (or maybe crazy Russian tennis player territory). This girl fell, got up, blood gushing all over, and still managed to finish her leg. Someone get this girl a bandaid, some tylenol, and about 4 cheeseburgers, stat.

David Beckham-

He plays soccer, has a gorgeous wife, kids, adoring fans, and can somehow still find the time to undress Miller Lite girls with his dreamy eyes, just praying that she'll be down with a post-game "encounter".
Working out like a champ -

If that doesn't get you pumped up to get pumped up, then you may want to check your pulse.

THREE DOWN:

Maasai warrior marathoners -

Apparently, Maasai warriors running in the London marathon were given a cultural sensitivity brochure with some of the following advice:

“You cannot rely on the sun to tell the time accurately and will have to rely on clocks and watches. The sun will rise and set at different times.” This of course makes perfect sense, except for the fact that you can barely ever see the sun in London, behind the 5 layers of clouds.

“Even though some may look like they have a frown on their face, they are very friendly people - many of them just work in offices, jobs they don’t enjoy, and so they do not smile as much as they should.” This also makes sense. Until grills are popular in the UK, there won't be many smiles what with the dental situation the way it is.

“You may see these animals in a field, seemingly left alone. It is important to remember that these animals are owned by someone and are being looked after.” Come on, if I'm hungry and you're not home, then it's up to Sparky to outrun me. Well, me and my spear.

China's Economic Dominance -

China is slowly becoming a dual superpower with the US, yet sometimes they're willing to do anything to advance. Consider a factory in southwest China that has been producing a highly sought after product overseas. Normally this would be the absolute picture of what China's factories should be all about. Then consider the product - Free Tibet flags. Nice work China. You stay classy.

Star-studded Parties -

For those keeping score, that is, from left to right as you look at it - Stuart Scott, Mr. Belding, and Charles Barkley. It makes me long for the days of Paris and Britney. Which reminds me, watch this.

I got a list of demands...

2008-04-28T00:28:00.002-04:00

Awkward Wooly Mammoth

2008-04-27T01:29:00.003-04:00

Nothing particularly exciting to share, but I did come across this definition on urbandictionary that made me laugh for a good 45 seconds. In case you aren't familiar with the awkward turtle lineage, start here and then browse any number of "awkward" definitions in the left sidebar.

Awkward Woolly Mammoth

In the line of the Awkward Turtle family... but this is to be used for the MOST SUPREME of awkward moments. Do the awkward woolly mammoth by outstretching your arms and curving them downward, and then waddling forward. Add an awkward trunk motion if the situation calls for it.

Person 1: "Dude. I knocked on my ex-boyfriend's door and his girlfriend opened the door without her shirt on as he buttoned up his pants" *does the awkward woolly mammoth move*

Person 2: Yea that is so awkward you gotta call upon an extinct animal.

Such a moment calls for the most extreme of the awkward motions- the awkward woolly mammoth.

Huge Announcement

2008-04-24T23:46:00.009-04:00

First thought: The Dallas Cowboys may have higher ratings in Grand Theft Auto 4 than they will in Madden. I mean Tank Johnson, Pacman, TO, and Jessica Simpson in the same locker room? What could go wrong?

So on the eve of this report, which says that Star Jones and Dwayne Wade are dating, I have a very important announcement that you, my loyal blog readers, will know before anyone. I haven't told my parents, my friends, or even my girlfriend (or soon to be ex).

I'm dating Danica Patrick.

Here's proof:

Of course, you know this is for real. I mean, THERE'S A PICTURE OF US TOGETHER! And Danica and I are very happy for Star and D-Wade. I mean, clearly they're together. There's pictures of them together! They HAVE to be in love!

You know who isn't happy? Charles Barkley. Now he has to kick Kenny Smith out of his Fave 5.

If this love affair is true, I'll let anyone who reads this blog come to Orlando and pelt me with rocks. Or maybe eggs. Because you never know. A dozen eggs to anyone who wants to make the trip. Except for you, Mr. Nuzzo.

Keeping my awful American Idol predictions alive, I was completely wrong in picking Comrade Castro to go home. Carly was given her walking papers, even after giving her best performance in about 10 weeks. She unfortunately was a victim of being the least attractive contestant remaining. This could very well be called Elliot Yamin syndrome. There reaches a point where people assume everyone has the same talent level, and at this point looks tend to come into play.

Brooke, who I find very cute but wildly annoying, apparently broke down and cried on stage after learning she was safe. This is looking more and more like a David Cook vs. pre-pubescent wonderboy finale, and let's hope that the powers of good can outdial the forces of evil. If you're a 12 year old girl reading this blog asking yourself who the forces of evil are, turn your monitor off, turn a light on, and stare straight ahead.

Draft intrigue - removed. Vikings have no first round pick. At least they made good use out of it. We'll see how they manage to screw it up somehow on Saturday. Check out my mock life draft, detailing all of the things your life needs if you were drafting from scratch.

Your Brazilname is "Tylildo"

2008-04-23T22:43:00.002-04:00

If you have not yet discovered this site, please do so now.

American Idol, NFL Draft Drinking Game, plus in-depth Analysis of the PA Primary

2008-04-22T23:03:00.005-04:00

The Pennsylvania primary was today! Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. The showdown of the century (of the week). The winner? Couldn't tell you. I could google it, I suppose, but the mouse is way over there next to the keyboard.

In more important matters, tonight was Andrew Lloyd Webber night on American Idol. These songs would be so gd hard to sing up there, I'm really glad I decided not to audition. NOTE if you haven't seen it yet, stop reading. YOU! I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU!

So I'm a bit on the pissy side because of the three people I'd like to see gone, two did pretty well this evening. Syesha was actually enticing during her rendition of "One Rock and Roll Too Many" and honestly I thought she belonged (sadface.org). The pre-pubescent wonderboy did a pretty good job with his Phantom piece, although he still reminds me of a High School Musical extra. Brooke started, forgot her line, stopped, and started again. If she weren't so adorable, I'd want to reach out and slap her. David Cook did another Phantom piece that was pretty good. Carly did fine with her taylormade piece from Jesus Christ Superstar. The travishamockery of the night belonged to Comrade Castro, who underwhelmed Top 24 style with his version of some song that I hope he never sings again. Sadly, I think the World may get another performance tomorrow night. I suggest DVR, so you don't actually have to pay attention to anything before someone is gone.

If I were a bettin' man, and am I ever, my bottom three is Brooke, Comrade, and probably Carly. I'd love to see PPW in the bottom three, but the age 12-16 voting block is strong, and I think he'll avoid the tank. Unfortunately, I think he will split votes off from Comrade Castro, which will lead to the dreamy-eyed Castro singing Banana Pancakes all the way back to Cuba.

In sports news, OH MY GOD IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR THE DRAFT!! AHHHHHHHH!!! More on what the Vikings should do tomorrow, but suffice it to say that I'm planning on partaking in the NFL Draft Drinking Game. The basic rules involve drinking anytime a certain phrase comes along during ESPN's 42 hour coverage of the draft:

Anytime Mel Kiper says the words "upside" "potential" "workhorse" "stud" "specimen" or "intangible", drink. Any comments about Mel's hair from others also warrants a drink.

Anytime Chris Berman makes up a stupid nickname, drink. If the reference is pre-1970, drink twice.

Anytime Todd McShay rolls his eyes at something Mel Kiper says, finish your drink.

If Jets fans boo their pick, don't drink. Just smile, and be thankful you're not a Jets fan.

Drink for every mention of Spygate or Matt Walsh.

Drink for every time you see a Raider fan with spikes on his shoulderpads.

If a draftee thanks God for being drafted, finish your drink. If he thanks his parents, finish half your drink. If he thanks his college coach or teammates, drink. If he thanks himself, go to nflshop.com and order his jersey, no matter what team it is.

If anyone mentions Brett Favre coming out of retirement, hand me your drink so I can finish it, and get me another one if you don't mind.

It should be fun!

Our song is the slam of screen doors...

The Song that Never Ends

2008-04-22T10:02:00.006-04:00

It doesn't seem like that long ago that Republicans got their tails handed to them in the 2006 midterm elections. More than anything, that election (and the one upcoming) was a referrendum on an entire party and its effect on the direction of the US. People saw Lord Voldemort in the whitehouse and figured that he and every one of his cronies was in a gotstogo situation. Democrats didn't get the sweeping, all-consuming victory they wanted, but they got enough pull to make the president's fourth quarter a struggle. It seems as though the 2008 election started that day. Ever since it's been infomercial after commercial after talk show appearance with varying conclusions to the ever-present "When I am president, I will..." Regardless of one's ideological position, I think we can all agree on one thing:

Can the election be over? Please? Pretty Pleeease?

I just want to turn on Conan and not hear one joke about someone's campaign, or watch a half-hour of national news without being bombarded by campaign ads.

Okay, so I don't watch the news, but I'm sure someone out there does. And they agree.

All of the "issues" Hillary, Barack, and John the Elder (check out this picture of him from 10 years ago) are running on really are non-issues in terms of their impact. The following represents my expert and bulletproof analysis:

- The Economy - Call me a blatant capitalist, but I highly doubt any one of the three dopes running can "fix" the economy. We live in a free market society, and it's up to the markets and the people controlling them (ie, us) when the economy is "fixed." Sure, you can push for tax rebates with money you don't have, and maybe people will spend it (don't count on it) but I highly doubt anyone's going to go on a housing spree eating up excess inventory because the person they had in the presidential pool at work ended up winning.

- Securing the Border - If the reason for securing the border is to keep immigrants from taking jobs and economic resources, then call it what it is. But please don't say we're building a fence across the Mexican border to keep out terrorists. Please. Have you ever been to Minnesota? Or Montana? Or North Dakota? There's miles of border with Canada that have no checkpoint, no patrol, no cameras, no anything. If we're actually worried about terrorists coming in, maybe we should turn our gaze northward. It's sort of like building a fence around your front yard in the name of security yet having a huge backyard with nothing but forest for miles that has nothing. Wouldn't you be more worried about that? At least you can keep that annoying neighbor kid away from your house with that fence in the front. You know, that annoying minority one.

- Taxes - No one likes paying taxes. Deal with it. I wish there'd be honest debate about a radical change in the tax structure, but none of these bimbos are proposing that. It's all degrees of the middle. So don't even bother talking about it.

- National Debt - Again, it doesn't seem like any of the three are serious about making the dollar the world's reserve currency again, so why even bother talking about this either?

- Supreme Court - The only issue, imho, that's worth talking about. Most of the things that one president gets done usually is undone by the next person in a different party. Supreme Court Justices are there FOR LIFE. I am of the belief that a balanced court is the most sensical makeup because it alleviates activism risk for either side. Again, personal feelings aside, I think that an overly Conservative or Liberal court is a bad thing. If nothing else, a 5-4 decision gets people talking. Most cases are not decided by one vote, but some of the court's recent decisions have been. The next president might very well be filling two seats on the bench as justices age and retire. "Let's look at the schedule," as Woody Paige may say.

Conservatives:

John Roberts - 53
Antonin Scalia - 72
Clarence Thomas - 59
Sam Alito - 58

Liberals:

John Paul Stevens - 88
David Souter - 68
Ruth Bader Ginsburg - 75
Stephen Breyer - 69

Swing - Anthony Kennedy - 71

SOOOOOO, it seems as if the two eldest justices are both on the left side. IMHO, a democratic president w/a democratic congress would be best for maintaining centrist ideology on the Supreme Court.

Of all the election coverage, I believe that this issue is the most important and the one that is covered the least of all. We'll see between now and November (Please someone move this up) if this gets any play, and how the talking heads view it.

In other non-boring news, Idol tonight is Andrew Lloyd Webber songs. $10 says the pre-pubescent wonderboy sings "Any Dream Will Do." I personally hope Syesha does poorly, because I don't think she can win. So get her out of here. It'll be 3 boys in the final 4, MARK IT DOWN.

PS

2008-04-16T23:15:00.006-04:00

After looking through Elliot Yamin's AI performances on youtube for like ~~an hour~~ five minutes, I downloaded Journey's "Open Arms". After four or five times of listening to it, my immediate reaction is to get on the Turnpike and get to Gainesville NOW.

If Katie weren't out, and I didn't have to work tomorrow, and I wasn't about to fall asleep, and Gainesville weren't an hour and a half away, I would totally be in the car right now:

Katie: "What are you doing here? Don't you have to work tomorrow? I'm coming to Orlando tomorrow anyway, so why are you here?"

Me: "Well, I was writing something about American Idol, then about Elliot Yamin, then I spent an hour, I mean like five minutes on youtube watching his performances, then I downloaded "Open Arms", then I put it on a CD 13 consecutive times so I could listen to it all the way here. I just wanted to say I love you. I love you. Okay, I'm driving home now. I have to get up in 6 hours."

Where are my keys...

Less Serious Matters

2008-04-16T22:07:00.006-04:00

Today was the first day I really realized how far away from home I really am. I had it on good information that most of Virginia was wearing maroon and orange today, regardless of school affiliation. Meanwhile, I set out in Orlando in my only true maroon and orange shirt (which is admittedly hideous looking) and saw ONE other person all day with VT colors on. Oh well.

I didn't bother to watch American Idol until the last 5 minutes (per usual on go-day). My bottom three predictions usually tend to be spot-on, but my GOTS-TO-GO pick is usually off. Tonight, I honestly thought Carly, the Irish girl who I once thought was kind of cute but now genuinely scares me, would be dunzo. I thought the bottom three would include Carly, Syesha (who is a really good singer, but I can't honestly remember ONE performance she had), and Kristy Lee, who is far and away the most underrated person left. Kristy Lee gets hated on because she's similar to the Pickler/Underwood mold. Of course, the one who IMHO least deserved to go, Kristy Lee, got the big ol' country axe. At least her life can be turned into a country song now.

Sidenote: If anyone tries to tell me that this season is the most talented ever on AI, please review season 5 contestants. No less than four people from that season - Chris Daughtry, Pickler, Katherine McPhee, and Elliot Yamin - would easily be front-runners this year if not for the pre-pubescent wonderboy.

Season 5 was by far the most stacked season: The most talented musician finished fourth (Daughtry), the best performer who actually had talent finished SIXTH (Pickler), and the most talented singer finished third (Elliot Yamin). I personally think Elliot was HOSED. In terms of singing ability, I don't think anyone since has been close. If you haven't seen his version of "Trouble" please direct your attention below:

Yeah, I know I'm a homer, but that's just how people from Richmond roll, baby.

On to sports now, and this will be short and sweet. If you don't think Kevin Garnett should win the MVP, you're a moron. No, that's too strong of a word. How about, you're insane. All Timberpup fans want to see him win a championship, and personally my rooting interests are every bit as strong for him as they are for his former team. As far as I was concerned, he was the Timberwolves. The other parts came and went, (and came and went) but he was the centerpiece of that underachieving table for years. I was happy to see him go somewhere that would support him with an actual team.

I can clearly see that Chris Paul has single-handedly saved basketball in New Orleans and may be well on his way to being the greatest point guard ever (Magic doesn't count because he played three positions on an every game basis). And Kob e and Lebron are undoubtedly the two best basketball players on the planet, and whoever is third isn't really close. But none of them are more valuable than KG is to the Celtics. He resurrected the league's most storied franchise, and anyone who watches one full game with each player knows that Garnett adds more to the C's than any of the other three do to their team.

In other news, my family comes in from Richmond tomorrow, so posts may be far between. If I haven't posted by Monday, please call and make sure I'm a) still alive and b) not incarcerated. If either of these is true, the first to call me on Monday gets a free shoutout and a shameless blog plug at my press conference outside of the courthouse.

Know what I'd do with KG in my car? He'd tell me about his night. And I'd count the colors in his eyes.

For Better or for Worse

2008-04-14T22:11:00.011-04:00

Wednesday marks the one year anniversary of something I could have never imagined happening at my school and at my home. One year ago, some idiot who hated "rich kids" and acted like the whole world was out to get him decided that he wanted to take the easy way out of life, and take 32 good people with him. The merits of his sickness - mental, chemical, and otherwise - are a debate for another place and time. Plenty of posts just like this one have blasted the mental health system, Virginia Tech, handgun dealers, professors, suitemates, and students alike. In looking back, each could have done more. But chances are that any one of us in those situations would have reacted just as they did.

People were so quick to rush in to Blacksburg, a tiny town that would be a speck on the map if not for Tech, and start throwing blame like footballs on a fall Saturday. Brian Williams, Katie Couric, and 1,000 other media people invaded and wanted answers. When students or faculty weren't forthcoming, they were labeled as "uncooperative" or "cold" (both of which I heard in the days after.) President Steger, a man who is well-liked among the students at Tech, was hung up by every media outlet in the U.S. "You were too slow to react" or "Why didn't you do it this way", as if he had the luxury of thinking in a situation that allowed only for reaction. If Brian Williams were walking down the street and someone hit his wife with a car, do you think he'd remember to get the license plate number?

There are a handful of days where I can remember everything that happened from the time I woke up until my head hit the pillow that night, and April 16, 2007 is one of them. Those feelings - my stomach churning, wondering if my friends were okay, wondering what the hell happened - are as fresh in my mind as if they happened hours ago. Katie had flown in for a weekend in Richmond, and she left that morning. I heard something on the news about the first two victims in AJ that morning, and my immediate thought was that I heard it happened a lot of places, but could never remember anything like that happening while I was there. On my way to work from the airport, I decided to turn on the radio (I'm much more of an iPod, mp3 CD kind of person) just to see if there were any updates. It wasn't until I got to work that I started to find out how deep it was. So I started doing what I did that entire day:

I cried.

Not like small little tears, like big monster hurricane tears. Complete with non-breathing and everything.

I went into Lori's office (a senior accountant who I'd know about all of one month) and I shut the door and just started crying. I don't think I came out for 2 or 3 hours. It was everything: sadness, anger, disbelief, disconnect, not being in Blacksburg, not having Katie there, not knowing if my best friend was okay, and a whole host of things I couldn't even articulate 12 months later. It was unlike anything I'd ever known in Blacksburg. For four years, I never once felt unsafe. It was beautifully located out in the middle of nowhere. A drinking town with a football problem, as a t-shirt so beautifully captured it. It was my home, and I know it better than anyplace else I've ever lived. It was peaceful, but with energy. It was a place where people would ask how you were, and then actually wait to hear an answer.

A year and a half after leaving, Blacksburg still is in my mind how I left it. I know that it probably is very close to that. Yet, it'll never be the same. People will always look a little longer, whisper a little quieter, and move a little faster, even if they don't intend to. The perception of Tech will never be the same. I interviewed for three jobs in the past 6 months and all three asked me about the shootings.

"Did you know anyone?"

"Yes ma'am. I did."

"That's awful. I'm so sorry." Silence.

I wasn't close to any of those that died, I knew two of them which is to say that we knew each other's names. We'd say hi to one another in the hall or give the very male head bob-back if we saw each other at a party. But I shared a bond with everyone that died that day - we were all Hokies. Which brings me to the roundabout point as to why I'm writing this post.

The 33rd death that day in Blacksburg was every bit as senseless as the 32 others.

I know friends of mine who have said that 32 people died April 16, and they're mostly correct. 32 people were murdered that day by that sick kid with the guns in the picture and the taped diatribe. What is lost on a lot of people, is that that sick kid had parents and a family too. They lost a son that day, a sister lost a brother, and grandparents a lost a grandchild. Family is a funny thing, because once a common bond is there, it's there for good. Marriage is the relationship most associated with phrases like "for better or worse" and "in sickness and in health" but it's not the only bond where those lines ring true. Sisters, brothers, friends, coworkers, and countless other groups hold to the idea, even in an unspoken way.

There are times when the ties that bind cause you to drive for hours in the middle of the night to pick up your sister because a boy broke her heart.

There are times when those ties cause you to swear under your breath because your coworker left you with a pile of work to do, and you do it.

There are times when the ties that bind cause you to thump your chest, pop your jersey, and jump up and down to "Enter Sandman" with 70,000 other Hokies on a Saturday night.

And there are times when those ties cause you to think twice about turning your back on someone who may have been sitting two rows up.

The frustratingly beautiful thing about family is that through everything, no matter what, a bond exists that is not easily broken.

I can't sit here and call Seung-Hui Cho a victim in the same way that 32 other Hokies were that day. I think that someone who could do what he did cannot possibly be of sound mind to be judged on the same plane as everyone else, by whomever is judging (or Judging). But I can say that he was a part of my family in the same way that so many others were. Hokies are family for life, and I know that wherever there's someone in maroon and orange, they've got a friend in me.
So on Wednesday, when I go about my day in maroon and orange, I'll have 33 hokies on my mind: one for every person who died needlessly a year ago.

2008-04-11T17:33:00.002-04:00

What can I possibly say after that? See you on Sunday.

Chicken Little Syndrome

2008-04-10T18:39:00.003-04:00

I've tried to keep my non-linking absolute rants to a minimum in this blog's short run, but there's something that I need to vent in the open air of internet space. Many people have heard, every night and day, that the economy is going to hell and we're all going to lose our jobs (or not get jobs post-graduation).

See here.

Or here.

Or here.

I could go on.

It's true, the economy is not growing like it was 10 years ago. What people don't understand, and media players tend not to report, is that the growth in the late 90's (before the dot.com bubble burst) was not based on any real economics and was fundamentally unsustainable for any length of time. In other words, it's not real fair to compare this economy to that one.

When the markets turned down in 2000/2001, it was because people finally wised up and figured out that the companies in which they were invested weren't worth as much as they thought. The economy in the late 90's was based on hype, not actually productivity. People were spending money to invest in these companies, injecting liquidity into the economy, and buying more things.

Everyone ran around thinking that the US was on a run that would never end. Once investors starting selling off all of these companies, 9/11 happened, people cashed out, and the markets corrected themselves. Companies were once again valued by the market for what they were worth, not what they could one day be worth. It wasn't like the US economy had a drastic slowdown or other countries were becoming better, the downturn was a correction to normalcy.

To anyone who has been reading a paper in the last 6 months or so, this story sounds familiar. Over the last 15 years or so, home prices have slowly crept up from below value to way above. Speculators who thought home prices would just go up and up forever (dot.com speculators, anyone?) bought up all the houses they could and mortgaged them stupidl y. At the same time, banks were going after renters with the promise of the American dream, having a house and a garden and yard for Sparky, all for the low cost of your family's financial future.

Now, the people who made the loans and the people who signed for them are reaping what they've sown. Instead of taking losses, borrowers are mailing the house keys back to the bank (not before trashing the place, though, classy!) and the supply of empty houses goes through the roof. This causes house prices to go down, which eventually will cause people who could never afford houses before to buy one (with traditional financing, or the cooler way to do it, with straight cash homie), which causes prices to return back to where they should have been all along. ECONOMICS PEOPLE.

In both cases, the situation before was entirely too good, and the return was to normal. It's like the kid who gets $1,000 every year for his birthday from Grandma, and one year gets 500 and throws a fit. Even in a recession, our economy (for now) is still the envy of almost every other country in the world. GDP was just barely outpaced by the EU, which now officially has 344 countries (I think). The sky is not falling, it was just so high before that we couldn't see it, and now we can.

The next time someone says how bad the economy is, do what I do: Call them Chicken Little, and then hit them in the face. Let's just hope they can afford health insurance.

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble...

2008-04-08T21:57:00.006-04:00

I just finished watching American Idol, and for the majority of this season, each show has ended with the same thought bouncing in my head:

How did Paula Abdul become so famous?

I mean, I know all about "Straight Up" and "Cold Hearted Snake", both of which I would jam out to back in the day, but couldn't they find ANYONE else? How about Chrissie Hynde? Or what about Bea Arthur? Hell, even this girl could potentially add more substance to the middle judge's chair.

On a much more productive note, I was looking at random wikipedia articles (as I have been known to do on occasion) and came across a simple definition for guilty pleasure:

"guilty pleasure is known as a something one considers pleasurable despite it being mainly received negatively or looked down on by a majority of society... For this reason the man in question may watch this show in secret because other members of the society may react negatively to a man watching a feminine television show."

The first thing that struck me was that this definition really doesn't seem to apply with how I live. There's not much that I do that would cause discomfort if it were to be widely known. Some of my friends have them, so that makes it slightly easier to understand. (My friend Ryan used to keep a picture of John Madden under his pillow at night.) It got me to thinking about my "guilty pleasures" which would be things that not many people know about. I don't have many, but one fluttered into my mind:

I mean, how could you not love this? Natalie Imbruglia in an overly poppy video for an overly poppy song posted on youtube for me to watch ~~everyday~~ every now and then. I actually wrote a letter to her when I was 12, asking if she'd send me back an autographed picture. I'm sure my parents just threw it away or it got lost in the mail or she didn't put enough postage on it, or something.

The Real NCAA MOP

2008-04-08T09:49:00.001-04:00

When analyzing last night’s NCAA National Championship game, most people will look at free throw shooting, rebounding, or turnovers. Some will consider coaching decisions, some will consider clutch shot-making, and others will even talk about defensive prowess and strategy. To me, the entire game came down to one player. He’s the MOP of this final four, the tournament, and really every sport ever played. He’s the ultimate 6th Man, or 12th Man, or however the hell many volleyball players there are + 1 Man. He, above all else, is the reason why Kansas is celebrating and the reason why Memphis goes back home the subject of a country song.

Kansas had GOD on their side. (or GOD if you prefer)

John Calipari, the head coach of Memphis, said the following: “When Derrick went to the line, I sat there and I said, ‘Lord, if he makes these two, we’re supposed to be national champs. And if that’s your will, I’m fine with it. If he misses them, and we’re not, I’m fine with that too.’ I’m probably not supposed to say that, but that’s where I was.”

"I'm a big believer that God has a plan for this team. I've been spending a lot of time with my pastor, and our prayer is, What you do, do it well," Kansas assistant coach Ronnie Chalmers said.

"I had never even been to the Final Four in 17 years and now I have a front row seat for the final game. I'm a man of faith because I know God's way works best,” remarked Kansas assistant coach Kurtis Townsend.

It’s nice that even with all the strife and heartache in the world, the BMU (that’s Big Man Upstairs, for the uninformed) has time to sway the outcome of a basketball team’s destiny. It honestly makes me feel better as a sports fan knowing that the ultimate fate of the game rests not with the execution of the players, the talent of the coaches, or the ferocity of the fans, but with God above who has the time and decency to affect a completely meaningless sporting event.

Sunk Costs, Utility, and the Art of Lifestyle Maintenance

2008-04-05T21:43:00.011-04:00

Four months ago, I packed up everything I own (two very full suitcases, a car chock full o’stuff, and one giant box sent from Mom) and moved from suburban Richmond, VA to Orlando. (Note that looking only at the difference in how long those two pages are reflects how different my two most recent homes are.) The reasons for the move were varying: I wanted to branch away from the place where I grew up, I was moving to a city that I like, I was moving closer to a girl that I love, and I was starting a job that I knew would drive me.

With change came more stuff, literally and physically, that I had to manage and compartmentalize in my own way. I had all new things - a new apartment, a new job, new friends, essentially a new life – that constantly were front and center in my mind. The night before I was to start the most important job of my current life, I was putting together one of those desks that come in 83 boards and little baggies full of screws. Sometime around that moment, I decided that my new life would have a direction that my old life never required.

My new mantra would be “streamline and simplify”.

I have seen firsthand the dissatisfaction of people who have a lot of “stuff”. The Progress Paradox by one of my favorite writers Gregg Easterbrook addresses this point fairly nicely. There’s statistical data that says people are inherently dissatisfied with choices they make and that it causes core unhappiness. Gordon Ramsay’s show on the BBC called Kitchen Nightmares (one of my new discoveries on BBC America, thanks digital cable!) also regularly addresses the same issue. Chefs will often try to impress diners with an abundance of flavors and stylistic flair, yet food cooked with less flash and fewer ingredients is often received much more warmly. Usually there aren’t many deep life lessons to be learned from someone screaming about quail souflée, but I think Mr. Ramsay’s gotten this one right. I still do things everyday that aren’t necessarily productive or life-slimming, I just try to not introduce new things into my life that don’t need to be there. Along those lines, I’ve made an honest effort to do away with things that I don’t need, which brings me to the reason for this post today:

I sold my XBOX 360. (Sorry, Brendan)

I bought it to lull the downtime between jobs and to have something to do at Katie’s house WHILE SHE AND HER FAMILY WERE IN COSTA RICA WITHOUT ME. I found it online for relatively cheap, bought a few games to go with it, and played it a lot… for about two months. Then my DVR started to back up, work hours started to get longer, and I actually started to get back to working out (a literal manifestation of my streamlining practice). There were times that I’d get on and play for a half hour, be bored, and then just watch TV. It was fun in spurts, but I never really consistently played for the past few months. So today I was on craigslist (per usual now) perusing the lame things people were selling, and I decided to put my xbox up. I listed without a price, and within minutes I got a phone call from someone wanting to buy it. He gave me a very fair offer, and I thought it over for about ten minutes after which I called him back to set up the meeting place.

This was my thought process (in list form, of course):

I hardly ever played it anymore

I paid $250 for the system and one game, and probably another $150 for the other four games I had

This guy wanted to buy everything for $350

The entire financial transaction was the equivalent of renting an xbox and five games for four months for $50 (not including TVM)

To me, this was a simple choice. The utility (present and future) of having the xbox was less than the potential utility of what I could buy with $350. Because I sold everything for the maximum amount that I could, I sold at or about replacement cost, meaning I could probably take the $350 I got and buy exactly what I sold. This then invokes liquidity preference; with all else being equal, I’d rather have $350 in cash than $350 worth of anything else. This also meshed with my streamlined and simplified methodology, in that it was one more thing out of my apartment and off of my entertainment stand…thing. (It’s not really an entertainment center, because it has only my TV, cable box, and printer on it, but it’s got too much stuff to be a TV stand, so I don’t know what to call it.)

I’ve already received flak from three different parties regarding my parting with my xbox, but I think that my finance-major education led me down the right path here.

Real Life Junior

2008-04-04T10:41:00.007-04:00

1:30 a.m. last night: I’m flipping through channels desperately trying something to occupy my attention enough to allow for sleep, when I come across a news story on CNN about a man … who is pregnant.

My thoughts exactly.

Immediately my mind went to Junior and I imagined this guy, with full equipment and everything, carrying a baby. The story contended that this man had undergone a sex change 10 years ago and had somehow gotten pregnant. Now, I don’t consider myself any sort of biological savant, nor did I attend med school (or even AP Bio most of the time), but I stumbled into a few family life classes in eighth grade and that alone raised some questions. Contrary to everything I was trying to accomplish at the time (going to sleep) my mind began to race with the thought of a society where both women and men could become pregnant. Granted this is a unique case, as I would imagine most people living as men were born that way, but what if something like this could happen to me? What if the men of the world started to find themselves in a biologically motherly role actually giving life to offspring?

I grew up in a family where the parental roles were vastly different from the “traditional” American family. It was my mom who was traveling, working long hours in the highly professional world, while my dad was the parent shuffling my sister and I to practices, school functions, and making dinner. There were many weeks growing up where it was the three of us while Mom was away on business. So while both of my parents were heavily invested in our success in school and elsewhere, many times my dad was the mechanical part that allowed it to happen. Even though I’m still a huge Mama’s boy at heart, I can look back and know that a lot of times my mom brought home the bacon and my dad and sister and myself cooked it. So I can have a much clearer vision than many others of a family where Dad bears the emotional and physical burden.

I thought about how this might affect everyone else if men were suddenly hoisted into the role of primary care-giver for an infant while Mom was at work right after childbirth. Think about all the things that might change if roles were commonly reversed: daytime TV (less soaps, more baseball), morning and afternoon radio (less gross-out humor, more Michael Bolton), food in the kitchen at work (better), food in the kitchen at home (worse), not to mention a whole host of other changes that would affect everyday men and women.

This literally consumed my mind as I stared aimlessly at CNN for maybe 20 minutes. There was no way I could sleep unless I got some closure to this story. I felt like there was something that random news guy wasn’t telling me. It just seemed so weird to me; sex changes happen every day and never once had I heard of someone being pregnant, much less 10 years post-surgery. So I got up and went to my computer, did a quick search, and found this article.

This guy is biologically still a woman but is living as a man. So there is no miraculous conception story, nor is there any mechanical difficulties with conceiving and/or having the baby. Except for the fact that "Dad" gave birth to this baby, everything else will be the same. I felt cheated, wronged and misled. A total travishamockery.

All that thinking for nothing.

To avoid the darkness...

2008-04-03T22:54:00.006-04:00

This is the new "My GD blog."

[applause]

For those of you who are not familiar with my work, I am a fantastic writer with a history of writing fantastically. I had a blog that I cared for diligently and a loyal horde of readers that clamored over my every post (Thanks Mom and Dad). It was witty, well-constructed, and wonderful, received critical acclaim from the NABOTIOC (National Association of Bloggers On The Internet, of course), and even had a comment once or twice a week. And it was a few weeks ago that I realized something:

I hated it.

It remained witty, but had turned whiny. I ranted, mostly about sports, and I felt that it didn't accurately reflect the one-sided image I wanted my blogging self to be. Reading back over weeks of sports rants made me seem like a bitter old man. Consider this excerpt taken shortly after the end of the NFL regular season:

"The Vikings are, in many ways, the Amanda Beckett of my life. Except that there is no Kurt Vonnegut convention I look forward to, there is no party at which I can deliver my letter, and there is no emphatic "I'm going to jump over this suitcase so I can kiss you emphatically" moment. It's only me - Preston - stuck in the never-ending cycle of hanging out with my other very nice but average friends (the Twins, Tech football) while the one girl I want never really wants me."

Now I am incredibly proud of the sweet Can't Hardly Wait reference here, and it probably did reflect my feelings at that singular moment in time, but I can't imagine myself as actually being that bitter. A quick once-through of most of my writing revealed a similar slant.

So here I am, back and better than ever, or at least back. Hopefully I can get one good post in this weekend, and I'll be back in mid-season form. I'm going to try to keep the self-deprecating sports rants to a minimum and focus on the more appealing aspects of life. Things like movies, and music, and occasionally politics, and hating my father's curse of liking teams that will never succeed.

I have a good feeling about this.